How We Work With Divorced Parents and Children of Divorce
Therapy for anxious kids and teens with divorced parents.
Divorce can really stink, for a lot of reasons.
We work with a ton of divorced parents at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis, so we know that a lot of questions can come up when you’re figuring out how to get counseling for your child when you’re divorced.
Photo by Chris Benson on Unsplash
Sometimes it can be tough to co-parent with your ex, even if you have a good relationship. You want to feel like you’re making important decisions together.
Some parents feel like they’re being kept out of the loop, and like they’re not part of the decision making process for their kids. They feel unheard when it comes to decisions about schools, appointments, and even counseling.
Other parents feel like they have to constantly get approval from an uninvolved ex, chasing someone down for a signature when it seems like they don’t really care.
Sometimes, divorced parents can co-parent beautifully!
Both parents are in communication with one another, they feel heard and respected, and they are able to work together to make the best decisions for their children, even though they are no longer together.
As child anxiety therapists in St. Louis, we’re ready to help - whatever your divorce and co-parenting situation looks like.
Our most important job as therapists is to help your child or teen feel heard, understood, and respected. That means that we need to do our best to keep everyone on the same page. We are not here to make decisions or recommendations on custody, placement, or parenting - we’re here to help your child with anxiety, anger, and stress (or even grief and sadness about the new family dynamic) learn how to deal and process with everything that’s going on.
How the therapists at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis work with children of divorced parents:
Like everything else, we make sure to tailor our approach to you, so every situation is going to look a little bit different.
There are some baselines to our services, though, that make it easier to schedule and stay up to date on our work!
Weekly Sessions
Unless there’s a holiday, or someone is out of town and needs to miss a week here and there, we see your child at the same time every week. This makes it super easy to book and keep conflicts from occurring on your schedule.
Parent Check-Ins
We always set up sessions for kids and young teens where we spend the first 10 minutes checking in one-on-one with the parent, and the remaining session time one-on-one with the child. That way, we get a good combination of parent information and even parent coaching in, while still ensuring your child has a sizable chunk of therapy time to address everything that’s going on, learn emotional regulation skills, and build up their relationship with their therapist (which research shows is the most important part of therapy!)
When it comes to providing parent support services, whether or not our parents are divorced, we check in with the party that comes to session.
Some parents trade out week to week. Others just assign the schedule to one default parent and the other one fills in if the scheduling doesn’t work. Because we assign you just one session date and time, you’ll be able to easily schedule in the best plan for your needs.
Need more parent support than just 10 minutes a week?
Our parent coaching program is like therapy for parents, helping you come up with a plan for how to support your child, while making sure that you get the support you need to be the parent you want to be.
How does scheduling and meeting with divorced parents work when it comes to virtual sessions?
When we provide virtual therapy, our check in procedure is exactly the same. We talk with the parent who is bringing the child to session - so, typically whichever house the child is at, we check in first with that household parent. You’re always welcome to get together and meet at the same time, from the same house, or trade off houses from week to week.
Our HIPAA-compliant video system does not allow us to see multiple users at the same time, for the sake of your security and privacy.
So, we can only have two locations active simultaneously - ours, as the therapist, and your child’s location.
We’ve tried meeting with one parent online for 5 minutes from one household computer, the next parent online for 5 minutes from their household, and then the child, but this can feel very rushed, and neither parent really feels like they have enough time to talk.
It’s an option for sure, but it’s not our favorite way to keep everyone involved. Instead, we recommend the one parent approach, or the every-other week approach.
How do you communicate with both parents in between sessions?
We do our best to cc both parents on our emailed communication when both parents are participating in treatment. So, for parents who have signed off on consents but don’t need constant communication, or feel like therapy isn’t something they need to know about, we probably won’t communicate a ton with you unless you request it - honestly, we don’t want to bug you!
For other parents who want to be cc’d on everything, we make sure to include you in all communication unless we feel there is a reason that you need not be included in the convo (for example, your child is sick and the other parent reschedules session, the credit card is declined but you’re not the one paying, your ex is looking for therapy referrals for themselves, etc.)
I really need to talk, but I’m not the one bringing my child to session. Can I still schedule a phone call?
We’re happy to touch base with you in between sessions, and at the same time, our therapist’s schedules are limited. Usually in these cases, we have two preferred options:
For quick questions that we can cc the other parent on, you can email your therapist.
If you feel like you need more time to process, you may want to look into bringing your child to the next session, so that you get the 10 minutes of dedicated parent time. Or, if you need more support, check out our parent support program.
If you’d like to schedule a phone consult with your child’s therapist, the first 10 minutes are free, but after that we charge you a portion of the session fee - so, if you’re not the one paying for sessions, this can be tricky.
Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash
If it feels like your child may benefit from meeting more than once a week, like if there’s an ongoing crisis, big change in behaviors, or concerns about your child or teens safety (due to suicidal ideation or self-harm), we can consider meeting two times a week, and then each parent could take a session. This is only recommended if we feel it’s clinically necessary to have more ongoing therapy.
(Want to learn more about why we might recommend more therapy than our standard 45 minute session? Read more here: Why You Might Need More Than Weekly Therapy)
Of all of these options, we’d probably recommend you bring your child to the next session to make sure you have time to explore your concerns, get your questions answered, and feel like you’re still in the loop.
I’m worried that my ex will give the wrong impression of me. When do I get to share my side of the story?
This is a really common concern. It can be scary to think that people are talking about you, and you don’t know what’s being said.
Please know that our therapists never make recommendations on parenting plans, custody agreements, or termination of parental rights.
We’re not legal experts, and we’re not trained in making recommendations on something as big as this. We’re not forensic psychologists. We’re anxiety therapists.
We want to get the full picture, so even if you don’t have a chance to talk with us one week, we can always have you do the parent check in time next week, or you can email us in between sessions. But, we promise that we’re not here to take sides, even if it feels like we might.
Our most important goal is helping your child feel heard, understood, and respected - not deciding who is right and who is wrong.
Also, if we ever make a parenting recommendation, or suggest a new way of approaching an ongoing issue to you, this is a therapeutic recommendation - not a judgement on something you’re doing or not doing! Our whole group practice is named Compassionate Counseling St. Louis for a reason - we’re always coming at the issues with compassion. It’s a judgement free zone!
What if my ex won’t agree to therapy? Can we still get started?
Compassionate Counseling St. Louis will only provide therapy to divorced parents if we have consents signed off by both parties, depending on your custody arrangement:
If you have sole legal custody, we need a copy of this order to review prior to scheduling.
If you share joint custody, we have no work around without getting consents signed by both parents.
1. If you think your ex is going to be resistant, we’ll schedule a phone consultation with them prior to booking!
It’s the fastest way to learn more about us and make sure that their concerns are addressed. We want to make sure everyone involved feels comfortable with counseling before we take the next step - and we never want a parent to feel rushed or blindsided by this decision.
2. If your ex is still resistant, and you think therapy is necessary for your child, it may be time to bring in an expert.
We might refer you to a mediator, who is legally trained in making sure all parties feel heard and that your child gets the services that they need. We are not trained in mediation! So while we’re happy to provide all the info we can, and answer all the questions prior to scheduling, it may be helpful to meet with a trained legal professional to talk through concerns and come to the best compromise possible. (And, mediators refer to us! So once all of the legal and ethical ducks are in a row, we can 100% work with your family moving forward.)
Our role as mandated reporters:
It’s important to know that all therapists are mandated reporters, meaning if there’s any suspicion of abuse or neglect, or any claim of it, we are legally required to make a report. Because we are not trained investigators, we’re not making the call about whether or not something happened. If it’s alleged, even if it’s not true, we call the child abuse and neglect hotline, and they decide whether or not to investigate it. For your child’s safety, we can’t always tell you when or if we’ve made a call. Our biggest job is keeping kids safe.
Worried about our role as mandated reporters? Please don’t be! If you’re not purposefully hurting your child, you’re not in trouble. Sometimes, we make a call even if we’re not concerned, because of our legal and ethical obligations. We may have a sense that the allegation is false, and can even share that with the investigators, but it’s ultimately up to the children’s division to investigate, make recommendations, and help everyone move forward.
Additional services for divorced parents:
In addition to getting your child into therapy, we might recommend a few services to use while you’re working with us. These can include:
Family Therapy
Co-parent Counseling
Parent/Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)
Play Therapy for Families
Mediation
Individual Therapy for you, the parent
We’re not a one stop shop - we’re a therapy group practice comprised of anxiety and anger management specialists. We’re always happy to refer out, or to help you connect with other services in St. Louis to make sure your needs are being met!
I still have questions!
We love questions! Whether you’re ready to take the next step and book a session, or you just want to touch base with our intake coordinator to get more information, you can schedule a free phone consultation right on our website, at www.compassionatecounselingstl.com/consult
We know counseling is a big next step. We know it’s important to keep divorced parents in the loop. And, we’re happy to make sure everyone feels heard. We love working with children of divorce, and we have a ton of experience in the area. Reach out, and learn more!
Kelsey Torgerson Dunn, MSW, LCSW is the owner of Compassionate Counseling St. Louis. We specialize in anxiety counseling for kids, teens, and college students throughout the St. Louis area, working with families (both together and divorced!) throughout Creve Couer, Brentwood, Clayton, University City, Ladue, and the city.
Thumbnail image credit: Chris Benson
This article was originally published on 8/09/20, updated for September 2022, and updated February 10, 2023.