Kids and Tantrums: Tips from St. Louis Child Therapists
St. Louis counselors for kids with tantrums and angry outbursts.
We all know how hard it can be to deal with a tantrum. Your child ramps up, or even just comes home from school agitated, and you can sense that it’s coming. Sometimes you’re there for the lead up, or sometimes it can seem like it’s coming out of nowhere, but you know it when you see it. Boom! The big outbursts. The crying, the yelling, the shouting, even hitting or breaking things. It can be hard to see and, even with our own kids, it can be hard to deal with.
All of our therapists at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis specialize in working with anxious, angry, and easily overwhelmed kids and teens, and we’re especially passionate about collaborating with parents on handling outbursts and overwhelming emotions.
We spoke with anxiety and anger management art therapist, Erin Kirkpatrick MA, ATR, LPC, about how you can handle tantrums as a parent.
Because our therapists at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis work with anxiety and behavioral concerns, we often have parents looking for advice on handling temper tantrums. What do you recommend?
My biggest piece of advice for parents is making sure to check in with yourself. When our kids become super duper highly stressed, we also get highly stressed - I certainly notice that I do. My heart rate goes up, I get flushed, and then at times I’m quick to react.
Give yourself 5-6 seconds to take a few deep breaths and calm your own body down before you talk to your child. It’s also important to model that for your kids - a key starting strategy we recommend during our parent coaching sessions.
Expert parent coaching that’s tailored to you.
Parenting an anxious, angry, easily overwhelmed child is uniquely challenging - which is why we offer individual parent coaching at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis.
How do you help kids in St. Louis calm down in the moment?
When a child is in the midst of a tantrum and having a very very difficult time, I often say, ‘Oh my gosh I’m feeling upset and anxious for you, because I see that you’re so anxious. I’m going to take some deep breaths, I’m wondering if you can sit down and take some deep breaths with me.’ Modeling for your kiddo can be really, really helpful.
What are your thoughts on time-outs for tantrums?
I won’t lie, sometimes time outs are an option, like as a last resort. But what I recommend, especially for a young child in the midst of a temper tantrum, is a “time in” vs a ‘time out.” Really sitting with your child, being the one your child leans on, is really helpful, and I find that very young kids especially need that one-on-one time.
Consistency for St. Louis kids is key.
If you respond to tantrums differently depending on your mood, or if you and your partner aren’t on the same page, you won’t be able to effectively manage or even proactively curb the tantrums. Kids really benefit from consistency. So, you and your partner need a clear plan for managing them.
The therapists at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis recommend a three step approach to handling emotional outbursts and temper tantrums.
And the pre-work, as Erin mentions above, always starts with making sure you are the calm and regulated adult in the equation.
Step 1: Identify and Empathize
Identify what your kid is feeling, and let them correct you. Try “your face and your body look really angry” rather than “Why are you acting this way? Do you need a nap? You must be tired” (something I told my toddler the other day that did not go well!)
Remember that there’s no such thing as a “bad” emotion or feeling, even if we don’t like the outcome of it. So, don’t label feelings as bad, or ask your kid if they feel bad. Instead, try “You seem really nervous. That makes sense! I’d be nervous going to a new school, too.” Or, “You seem really upset because I wouldn’t let you get that toy. Is that right?”
Step 2: Calm Down
No matter how you feel, you can’t think through solutions if your brain and body are overloaded with emotional information. Take some time to help your child calm down, and co-regulation can often be helpful.
“Okay, so you’re feeling angry, which is fine. When I get angry, I like to make my muscles really tight all at once and then shake them out. Can we try that together?”
“Do you remember Ms. Kelsey teaching us belly breaths last week? I wonder if we can do 5 big belly breaths together?”
“Listen, we’re here at Target, so let’s find a quiet corner and drink some nice, cold water together. Let me pick you up and carry you to the water fountain. Would you like a big, big hug now or later?”
If your kid can’t calm down yet, that’s ok! Modeling the calm down skills is crucial, too.
Step 3: Game Plan
After you’ve identified the emotion and have calmed down, you can move on to the problem solving situation about the tantrum. You can strategize about how to solve the problem that lead up to the outburst (not getting a toy, or someone eating the last cookie, etc.) and you can also game plan around consequences to the tantrum (cleaning up the toys they threw around the room, straightening up the clothing racks at the store, etc.)
Working on the game plan together is really key. You can hold limits and boundaries around your expectations, but you also need to let your kid figure out the solutions to some problems as this is really important for their development. What do they think is a fair consequence? What do they notice needs to be cleaned up? What do they think they should do differently next time?
Wrapping up after a tantrum.
To err is human, to forgive divine. Of course parents can lose their cool from time to time, too, and misery loves company. When our kids are feeling angry and overwhelmed, they push your buttons. It’s almost like their anger wants to bring out your anger. Their fear wants to make you fearful. It’s not their fault, and they’re not doing it on purpose, but as parents we need to be very aware of how our emotions are heightened by their emotional state.
If you yelled or shouted or generally lost your cool, please apologize. We promise you’re still the parent in charge if you say you made a mistake, and rebuilding trust is really key. We don’t want to be the scary parent. We want to be the calm, safe parent.
If you need help staying calm, or if you want some extra support in supporting your tantruming child, reach out to a child therapist who offers collaborative work with parents.
Our therapists at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis spend the first 10 minutes of every single weekly session checking in with the parent. We also offer individually tailored parent coaching to help you identify what is going right and what skills you might need to parent the way you want to parent. And we might recommend individual therapy for you, too, if you feel like your emotional response to your kids’ tantrums is bringing up a bunch of other stuff for you, too.
We all need help. So, let’s dig in, right over here.
Curious to hear more? Reach out to us at hello@compassionatecounselingstl.com. As child anxiety therapists, we love working with kids, teens, college students and parents to help manage their anxiety, stress, and anger. Compassionate Counseling St. Louis is located in Clayton, MO and works with families throughout Creve Couer, Ballwin, Town and Country, Brentwood, and Ladue. You can set up your first free consult on this very website, on our consultation page.
This blog was originally posted 11/27/22 and updated 5/7/24.
