Kids in the Middle with Heather Barnett, MA, LPC
The holidays are right around the corner! It’s a super exciting time of year!
And it can also be a time of year that feels overwhelming.
Recently divorced parents are learning to navigate co-parenting during the holidays and kids are getting used to new family traditions. For some families, outside help can be really beneficial.
So we’re excited to interview Heather Barnett, MA, LPC, and Kids In The Middle (KITM) Chief Program Officer! Heather has great information to share on ways that KITM can support kids whose parents have or will be divorcing and how parents can support their kids during the process.
Heather Barnett, MA, LPC
Who is Kids in the Middle (KITM) for?
Kids in the Middle is a non-profit organization with a mission to empower children, parents and families during and after divorce or separation through counseling, education and support. Kids in the Middle provides counseling services for children ages 3 ½ through 18, as well as counseling and support for parents.
How can KITM help anxious kids during their parents separation/divorce?
Kids in the Middle offers an evidence-based group curriculum, Children of Divorce Intervention Program, for children who are experiencing anxiety related to the many changes related to their parent’s separation or divorce. Within the group model, children learn connection and validation through peer support, learn new coping skills to deal with the many emotions they are experiencing, as well as, develop a better understanding of what problems are theirs to solve.
What therapy modalities does KITM offer?
KITM offers both individual and group counseling for children. For parents, KITM offers individual, co-parenting group, joint co-parent counseling, parenting class, Co-Parenting Education (COPE) Class. For families, KITM offers family counseling and blended family counseling.
Divorce Hurts. Kids In The Middle Helps.®
If parents are wondering how to deal with an angry child after divorce, what strategies can they learn through KITM?
The most important thing to remember is that children are also grieving and sometimes grief will present as anger in children, and adults as well. Kids need space to feel heard and to express their emotions. Kids often think it is something that they did to cause the divorce or think that there is something they can do to get their parents back together.
Kids are also experiencing many new transitions, such as new schools, new schedules, new homes, and have worries about any other changes they don’t know about yet. Parents are often aware that a divorce or separation will happen well before their children, so this will be brand new information for them to process.
Another good strategy for parents to keep in mind is “Red, Yellow, and Green-Light Brain.” When a child is in the red light (intense emotions), that is the time to comfort and calm; yellow light brain (somewhat escalated) is time to pause and help regulate; green light brain (calm) is a time to teach new skills and talk. Creating a special one-on-one time with children that does not involve a screen will give them an opportunity to feel special. Another tip is for parents to understand the “anger iceberg.” As we know, when looking at an iceberg we only can see what appears on the surface level and not what it looks like underwater. With children, we often see anger on the outside when on the inside they are experiencing worry, shame, guilt, fear, sadness, uncertainty, among many other emotions they are not equipped to express.
What tips do you have about co-parenting after divorce?
The most important thing to keep in mind is that the needs of the child(ren) should always come first. Each co-parenting relationship will look different; some may be cooperative, while others may be high conflict. Co-parents who keep open lines of communication and can remain flexible with one another, will ensure their children are kept out of the middle. This can mean that co-parents have to relearn communication with one another, establish different boundaries with one another, and make their decisions based on how their behaviors or reactions will ultimately impact the child.
Is KITM a good fit for parents who find co-parenting challenging?
Yes! We offer both co-parenting group counseling and joint co-parent counseling.
Is there any specific issue that is not a good fit for KITM?
Every family that is interested in services will complete a phone interview and intake process. Families who are experiencing a high level of care, such as sexual abuse, substance use, suicidal ideation, etc., will be referred out to another organization. Additionally, adults who experienced divorce or separation as a child would not be a good fit. Kids must also be aware that their parents are separating or divorcing prior to coming to KITM.
Anxious kids and teens often have a hard time with transitions, and divorce can be a huge change. What divorce/separation advice do you have for parents of anxious children?
Keep a calendar and communicate age appropriate information with your child. A calendar is a great resource for kids to manage and know where they are going to be, who will be picking them up, and is something they can have control over. It also helpful for co-parents to develop similar schedules and routines such as similar bed times, meal times, screen time at both parents home. Helping kids create a “worry bag” to take with them back and forth between homes will give them a toolkit that is with them. Including things like journals, fidgets, drawings, mindfulness cards, will ensure they have the coping skills they need at hand. Transitions should also be time of calm and getting settled, not rushing if at all possible.
The holidays are coming up. What advice do you have for families navigating the holidays after a separation/divorce?
This can be very difficult for children and parents because this will be another change. This can also be a time to create new traditions and celebrate the holidays on different days. Children can help to plan for their new traditions with their parent.
How can parents learn more and contact you about the program?
https://www.kidsinthemiddle.org/
https://www.facebook.com/kidsinthemiddle/
Curious to learn more about getting treatment for anxiety or feeling overwhelmed by divorce or the holidays? Wondering if you need to connect with a therapist in St. Louis?
We’ll talk for 15 minutes about what’s going on and best next steps - and if we’re not the right fit, we’ll connect you with other wonderful St. Louis-based therapists, like Stacy!
Compassionate Counseling St. Louis provides specialized anger management and anxiety therapy in St. Louis for kids, teens, and college students. We work in Clayton, MO and serve kids, teens, and college students throughout St. Louis City, St. Louis County, Ladue, University City, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Coeur, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood.