Parent Coaching for Parents of Anxious Kids
St. Louis Anxiety Therapy and Coaching for Parents
When you're looking for parent coaching services, and you’re the parent of an anxious kid, you probably realize that REGULAR parenting tips don’t always help.
There are general recommendations that parent coaches will make to all parents, which are often evidence based and backed up by research - but when you’re the parent of a child with anxiety, you need to make sure that the rules and guidelines you follow take into account the impact that anxiety can have on your child, on you, and on the parent-child relationship.
Anxious children need extra support, and sometimes extra hand holding.
All kids benefit from clear communication of expectations, rules, and regulations, but children with anxiety may require more reminders, gentler redirection, and answers to tons of follow up questions.
Individualized parent coaching at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis!
Brandi Wilson, LPC provides 4-session parent support services, rooted in developmental psychology and tailored to your needs.
Top 5 tips for parents of anxious kids:
Be clear about what the rule is and why you have it
Anxious minds want to know what to expect and when to expect it. A lot of times, anxious minds want to be in control - even though they can’t be.
One of the best ways to help your child’s anxious mind, without giving in to that need for over-control, is to explain what the rule or expectation is and why it’s important.
That includes reminders like, “We have to clean up your room before dinner. Our family’s rule is to make sure things are tidy, so that we can enjoy our meal together without worrying about what we need to do afterward.” Or, “Remember, we don’t watch tv before bed time, because it wakes up our brain too much and makes it hard to fall asleep. Let’s do something calming together.”
Children with anxiety ALSO have an inflated sense of right, wrong, and perceived fairness. So the best way to help your anxious kids follow the rules is to make sure EVERYONE in the family is following them. That means, if you tell your kids no screens at the table, you’re not allowed to be on your phone, either!
Prepare to offer a lot of reminders
We wish parenting was so easy, that all it took was sharing a rule one time and then you never had to remind your kids ever again.
Anxious minds are great when it comes to negotiating. And, they’re great about not focusing on the things they don’t want to have to deal with. So if you have a task coming up that your child finds unpleasant, like raking up all the leaves, or going to soccer practice, or turning off the tv, your child may try to change your mind - or they may even ignore you (and it’s not always all the way on purpose!)
Plan on the annoyance!
Rather than letting yourself get very annoyed with your child and bursting out with a response, “I told you this already! I’m tired of telling you to stop!” just notice your annoyance, or any other emotion that comes up for you (it’s ok! and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent!)
Take a beat to center yourself, and then calmly share the rule/expectation, why you have it, and when they’re expected to complete the task.
You might also try a 10 minute, 5 minute, and 1 minute reminder before tasks. “Okay buddy, we’re going to brush our teeth in 10 minutes. We always brush our teeth before bed time to keep our smiles strong!… Hey kiddo, 5 minutes left before we need to put away toys and brush our teeth… Alright, 1 minute left! I’ll hang out here and then we’ll clean up and go brush our teeth together.”
Take cool down breaks, for you and your child
It’s really important as the parent of an anxious child to model health relaxation and self-regulation skills. We even recommend that parents share with their kids when THEY are feeling overwhelmed by the situation.
You get to help them recognize that it’s ok to be anxious, angry, or overwhelmed, AND, even if it’s ok to feel that way, we can do something to calm down and relax.
We also strongly encourage parents to co-regulate with their kids. So try saying something like: “It seems like you’re feeling stressed out about cleaning up your room. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed about it, too, because we have company coming over. It’s ok to be stressed. I’m going to take some big, deep breaths, and you can join now or when you’re ready.” Then, follow through and do your deep breathing. Even if your child isn’t ready to participate in the relaxation, you being calm helps you handle the situation a lot more easily than before.
Game plan before stressful events
Anxious kids can get especially overwhelmed, and you as the parent know their tipping points best. Think about the types of situations that tend to make them feel really anxious and overwhelmed, or even angry. What is the precipitating issue? And how can we help them feel less overwhelmed when encountering it?
When you’re in the moment, you’ll want to use my three step approach: identify and empathize with the emotion, calm down (together), and then game plan about how to move forward.
We can use this three step approach proactively, too.
“Darling, we have to go to soccer practice soon. I’m wondering if you might be feeling a little anxious about your first day…(pause to make sure it’s anxiety, or if they identify another emotion instead).”
“Well, it absolutely makes sense to feel that way! I get really anxious meeting new people, too. Let’s practice a relaxation skill right now (and choose a deep breathing, muscle relaxation, or mindfulness activity to co-regulate)”
“Okay, now that we’re both feeling calm in our brains and bodies, how can we make this first day of soccer practice easier for you. Maybe I could stay a little bit longer before you’re by yourself, or maybe we could listen to some relaxing music in the car and come up with a mantra today. What other ideas do you have? What sounds good?”
Check in afterward to tweak the plan
After the stressful event, check in with your anxious child about what worked, what didn’t, and how you can support them going forward. Do you need to practice more relaxation next time? Do they need you for longer, or do they need you for less time? How can you support them while also encouraging the self-reliance?
Also ask yourself what YOU liked and what you didn’t like about the plan. What would you like to do differently? How would you like to feel afterward?
If we come up with a plan for dealing with stressors together, with our child, we also have the opportunity to ALWAYS, ALWAYS change the plan when we need to.
Parent coaching and counseling in St. Louis, for parents of anxious children and teens:
These are our general tips for parenting anxious kids, but sometimes, you need extra, individualized support. That’s where parent coaching comes in.
Parent coaching should be tailored to your unique needs and should offer support for you and your anxious child. At Compassionate Counseling St. Louis, we currently offer 4-session parent support services - but, we’re always happy to recommend additional supports outside of the work we provide.
Parenting an anxious child can feel lonely, overwhelming, and confusing. But we promise you’re not alone! And we also promise that you can get through it. You’ve got this.
Kelsey Torgerson Dunn is the author of When Anxiety Makes You Angry.
Curious to learn more about parent support sessions? Contact Compassionate Counseling St. Louis to set up a free 15-minute phone consult. We’ll talk about what’s going on and best next steps - and if we’re not the right fit, we’ll connect you with other wonderful St. Louis-based support!
Compassionate Counseling St. Louis provides specialized anger management and anxiety therapy in St. Louis for kids, teens, and college students and support for their parents. We work in Clayton, MO and serve kids, teens, and college students throughout St. Louis City, St. Louis County, Ladue, University City, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Coeur, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood.
