Problem Solving for Teens With Anxiety-Driven Anger
As anxiety counselors in St. Louis, we know everyone has different triggers for their anxiety-driven anger, which means that what feels easy for you let go of, and what doesn’t, is entirely personal.
You may decide that it actually does make sense for you to work this out instead of letting it go, because you’re really motivated to be friends with your teammate, and this is 100% going to negatively impact your relationship. You may find that you have no problem letting it go when it’s something related to friendships, but you almost always want to work out a problem when it impacts your grades or your schoolwork.
Maybe you don’t mind problems when they’re small, but you always want to work it out when it feels like a big problem.
Or the reverse could be true – it’s easier for you to let something go when it is so big picture, but you like working out the small stuff before it grows.
You always have a choice between letting it go or working it out, even when a problem seems way too big or way too unfair.
If you decide to work out a problem instead of letting it go, that’s a totally valid option! Working it out is different than making a problem bigger. It’s calmly collecting yourself, exploring the problem, coming up with some potential solutions, and then moving forward with that solution or going back to the drawing board with some feedback.
Now, you’re probably used to people coming up with silly acronyms to help you remember things. You might use some acronyms yourself when you’re studying for a test and trying to remember a particular list of things. Luckily for you, I have the best acronym there is to remember the steps. This acronym actually is S.I.L.L.Y.
S.I.L.L.Y. Conflict Resolution
S: Stay Calm
I: Investigate the Problem
L: Look for Solutions
L: Listen to Feedback
Y: Yes/No (and back to the drawing board)
Example:
Imagine that it’s Friday night, and you’re invited to a party at your friend Joey’s house. Joey and you have been besties since the 5th grade. There will be kids from different schools going to the house party, and you’re planning to make a huge bonfire. You’ve been helping Joey create the playlist for the past week. You have the perfect outfit. You are totally excited to go.
As you’re getting ready to head out, you ask your dad for the keys to the car, so you can drive to Joey’s and help with the set up. Your dad says, “You’re still planning on going to that thing? Well, you’re not driving. You can’t have the car. Figure something else out, kiddo.” You want to scream. Is he kidding?! You have to go right now! This is totally unfair!
Now, you could decide to let the problem go and move on, calling a friend for a ride and shrugging this off. This seems really important, though. You decide you want to work this out. Let’s use our S.I.L.L.Y. acronym to effectively problem solve.
S: Stay calm
Our first step in working out a problem is remembering to stay calm. We’re not able to really access our brain effectively when we’re flooded, experiencing fight, flight or freeze, or outside our window of tolerance. You want to scream? Let’s calm down first. In this scenario, you hear your dad say no, and you decide to take three deep breaths before your next step.
I: Investigate the problem
Take the time to really investigate the problem. You need to identify what the problem really is, instead of what your first assumption may be telling you.
You’re upset with your dad for not letting you have the car. You think the problem is that he doesn’t trust you. What else might be true?
If you take the time to investigate, you realize that there’s a snowstorm predicted on the weather channel. Maybe he’s worried about that? You also remember that he’s complained about your friend’s parents before. Perhaps he doesn’t want you to go to the party because he doesn’t trust their parents to supervise you? There can be many different problems at the root of the issue.
You decide to calmly ask your dad, “Why don’t you want me to have the car? Is it a concern about the weather, or Joey’s parents? Or is there something else going on that’s important for me to know about?”
L: Look for potential solutions
Your father tells you, “I don’t want you to take the car because I don’t want you driving home after that party, especially if it’s late at night.” So now we know that at least part of the problem is that your dad doesn’t want you driving late. Take the time to brainstorm a few potential solutions. They don’t have to be totally perfect, and they might not all be solutions that your father will agree to, anyway. You just need enough ideas to try and generate a compromise, where you still get at least part of what you want.
You could agree to drive home by a particular curfew, earlier than usual.
You could ask your dad to pick you up so that he’s driving instead of you
You could spend the night at Joey’s after checking with him
L: Listen to feedback
After coming up with a list of potential solutions, you pick the one you like best and present it to your dad. “Ok, I understand you don’t want me to drive home late, by myself. What if I spent the night at Joey’s instead? That way, I still get to help Joey with the party as planned, but you still know I’m safe instead of driving home too late.”
Your dad responds, “I like it as an idea, but I don’t want you staying there all night if his parents aren’t ok with it. Are they supervising? Are there other kids that are staying the night? Can we trust everyone who is there? That’s the big thing, buddy.”
You agree, “Let me check in with Joey to make sure his parents are going to be there. I promise that I won’t do anything you don’t want me to. I’ll be careful with everyone – and you know I’ve stayed at Joey’s house so many times before. It’ll be great.”
Y: Yes or no (and back to the drawing board)
Your dad says yes. You text Joey, and he confirms his parents will be home. You tell your dad, who says, “Ok, well, let me call them, too, to double check,” and he gets on the phone. Luckily, Joey’s parents are good with the plan, too! You’re good to go the party, you can take the car since you’re staying the night, and you agree to text your dad at the party if anything happens and will call him when you’re on the way home. Win win.
If your dad wasn’t in agreement or didn’t get the confirmation he wanted from Joey’s parents, you two would have gone back to the drawing board to figure out another solution, maybe like having him pick you up or agreeing to an earlier curfew. That’s why it’s so important to brainstorm multiple solutions, so that you’re not fixated on just one answer being the right one.
Read More in Kelsey’s Book: When Anxiety Makes You Angry
S.I.L.L.Y. problem solving can take some time to implement.
You need to have a calm attitude, brainstorm ideas, propose a potential solution, and follow up until you have a good plan for moving forward. When your body is used to getting really upset when faced with a problem, using S.I.L.L.Y can be a real challenge. That’s why it’s important to practice it before you really need it. The more often you practice a skill, the easier it is to use.
Kelsey Torgerson Dunn, MSW, LCSW is the owner of Compassionate Counseling St. Louis and author of “When Anxiety Makes You Angry,” which will be published by New Harbinger in 2022.
Curious to learn more about anxiety driven anger and tools like SILLY? Compassionate Counseling St. Louis provides specialized anger management and anxiety therapy in St. Louis for kids, teens, and college students. We love helping with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We work in Clayton, MO and serve kids, teens, and college students throughout St. Louis City, St. Louis County, Ladue, University City, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Coeur, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood. You can set up your free phone screening to see if we’re a good fit for your needs right on our website.