Understanding Your Child’s Anger: It Might Be Anxiety
Parenting an angry, stressed out, easily overwhelmed child can feel so exhausting. You feel like you have to constantly reassure them, address their concerns, reiterate your expectations - and even then, you’re surprised by the huge outburst at the grocery store because things didn’t go the way they expected.
Image credit: Annie Spratt @anniespratt (accessed 6.27.24)
To sum it up: your child just seems so angry.
But rarely if ever is a person just angry - often, there’s something going on underneath the surface.
(Read more: The Anger Iceberg: Anxiety-Driven Anger and Looking Underneath the Surface)
If you're struggling to understand your child's intense emotions, there's a chance that beneath that surface anger, your child may actually be experiencing anxiety.
Uncovering the Link Between Anger and Anxiety
Anger is often a visible and immediate reaction, but it's crucial to look deeper to understand the underlying causes. For many kids and teens, anxiety can actually look like an anger problem. This can be due to a few different, and important, components:
Fight, Flight, or Freeze Response: Anxiety triggers the body's fight-or-flight response. When your lizard brain perceives a threat, it can react with a flight (running away), freezing (clamming up) or fighting - which leads to angry outbursts.
Overwhelm: Stresses that stack up aren’t always dealt with proactively. As the stressors increase, and are exacerbated by underlying anxieties, the overwhelm outburst may lead to an angry looking reaction.
Loss of Control: When anxiety makes children feel out of control, they may lash out to regain a sense of power.
Boys and Anger: For some boys, especially during pre-teen or teen years, it may feel unacceptable to express anxiety or nerves. Meanwhile, being angry is perfectly okay and expected as a “masculine” response - so the anxiety that’s going on is being expressed as anger instead.
Anxiety and Over-Control: There’s a link in kids who experience anxiety and who have symptoms of over-control. If things don’t go their way, it feels very scary and overwhelming, and can then lead to anger and aggression.
Signs Your Child's Anger Might Be Anxiety:
It's essential to recognize the signs that indicate your child's anger may be rooted in anxiety. If that anger is so present, and you’re dealing with frequent tantrums over seemingly small issues, take a step back to see if you can also notice:
Avoidance behaviors: Refusal to participate in activities or go to certain places.
Anxiety that is social or separation based: Your kid feels nervous around others, or they pre-judge others and say that they hate them. Your kid gets clingy, or starts a fight before you have to leave them.
Physical symptoms: Complaints of stomachaches, headaches, or other stress-related ailments.
Perfectionism: Unrealistic expectations and extreme reactions to perceived failures.
When you have anxiety-driven anger, you don’t just need anger management counseling. You need anxiety counseling, and you need strategies to cope with your anxiety.
If we were to just focus on the anger issues and build coping skills around that, it would probably help, but it wouldn’t get at the root cause of what’s going on. You need to be able to deal with the underlying anxiety that’s causing the anger outbursts.
Real strategies to help your child.
Whether it’s anxiety or anger, our expert parenting coaches are ready to help you build your own parenting toolkit.
Anxiety-Driven Anger and Strategies to Help Your Child
Understanding that your child's anger may be driven by anxiety is the first step. We often use a Three Step Approach to help with overwhelming emotions.
1. Identify and Empathize: Acknowledge their feelings without judgment. Let them know it's okay to feel anxious and angry. Empathizing with their emotions helps them feel understood and supported.
2. Calm Down: Teach and practice calming techniques like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or mindfulness exercises together. These tools can help both you and your child manage intense emotions.
3. Game Plan: Once both you and your child have calmed down, work together to develop a plan to address the situation. This can include setting realistic goals, breaking tasks into manageable steps, and discussing ways to handle similar situations in the future.
Anxiety Therapy in St. Louis for Kids and Teens
Therapy can be an invaluable resource for children struggling with anxiety-driven anger. At Compassionate Counseling St. Louis, we offer specialized anxiety therapy for kids, teens, and their families. Our experienced therapists can help your child develop effective coping mechanisms and provide you with tools to support them. Therapy can help your child:
Develop Emotional Awareness: Recognize and articulate their feelings.
Learn Coping Skills: Build a toolkit of strategies to manage anxiety and anger.
Improve Communication: Foster healthier communication patterns between you and your child.
If you're concerned that your child's anger might be masking anxiety, we're here to help!
At Compassionate Counseling St. Louis, we understand the unique challenges parents face and offer tailored support to meet your family's needs. Schedule a free phone consultation with us today to explore how our anxiety therapy services can make a difference for your child.
Together, we can uncover the roots of your child's anger and empower them to face their anxiety with confidence and resilience. Contact us now to take the first step toward a more peaceful and understanding home environment.
Curious to learn more about anxiety and anxiety-driven anger? Reach out to us at hello@compassionatecounselingstl.com. As child anxiety experts, we love working with kids, teens, college students and parents to help manage their anxiety, stress, and anger. Compassionate Counseling St. Louis is located in Clayton, MO and works with families throughout Creve Couer, Ballwin, Town and Country, Brentwood, and Ladue. You can set up your first free consult on this very website, on our consultation page.
