Child Anxiety and Anger Management: What's Hiding Underneath the Surface?

Anger and anxiety often go hand in hand.

Rarely if ever is a person just angry. There’s usually something else going on underneath it. We may look angry on the outside, but internally we feel stressed, overwhelmed, and anxious. There may be grief, depression, or loss that is impacting our external anger. Or, we may not really know why we’re acting so angry, because we haven’t trained ourselves to figure out what else is going on. We know we seem angry to other people, so we accept that we must be feeling angry.

What else could be going on with your child’s anger issues?

When you or your child are experiencing anger, your body starts prepping you for a fight reaction - even if you don’t get in to a fight. Your heart starts pumping blood to all of your muscles. Your breathing gets faster, or even feels like it stops. Your pupils dilate. Your muscles tense up. You feel ready to EXPLODE.

But how does our body respond when it’s anxious?

Our heart starts pumping blood to your muscles. Our breathing gets faster, or even feels like it stops. Our pupils dilate. Our muscles tense up. (Spoiler alert: they’re kind of the same!)

Fight, flight, AND freeze.

Our body’s reaction to anxiety and your body’s reaction to anger is so similar that sometimes, the wires get crossed. We might think we’re just angry, because our body is ready to fight. But actually, fight, flight, and freeze are all reactions that can be related to anxious overwhelm.

• Fight: Your body feels ready to scream, punch, kick and yell. You maybe feel wronged. You are on the defensive. Kids may through tantrums and teens may just look moody or surly.

• Flight: You’re so overwhelmed, you want to run away from the situation. With young children, you may actually see them run away. Teens and adults might get in the car and drive, or just get out of the room ASAP.

• Freeze: You’re too anxious to do anything, so you just feel frozen. Some kids and teens seem spaced out. Parents might think they’re not listening or tuning them out. This is the feeling of not knowing what to do next.

As a parent, it can be so frustrating when your child explodes with yet another temper tantrum.

That’s why it’s so important for you to really stop, think, and analyze. Are they just angry? Or is something else going on, too?

The Fight/Flight/Freeze reactions occur because your child’s brain is telling them that they are IN DANGER, even when they’re not.

Step 1: Identify and Empathize

The first step is to identify what’s really going on, and to coach your kid on how to dig in a little bit. Are they angry, or anxious?

Step 2: Calm down.

Can you and your kiddo take some deep breaths? Can you take a break?

Step 3: Game Plan.

After you’ve calmed down, figure out how to solve the problem. Ask yourself, what’s something I can do next?

And then, follow through on your game plan. Make changes. Make tweaks. Try it out, and then try something else out next time.

(Read more on The Three Step Approach for Anxiety and Anger Management right here!)

Information for parents:

If you notice that your kid or teen seems angry all the time, ask yourself if there may be something else going on, too, just underneath the surface. Do you see this anger in certain situations or at certain times? It may feel like they are only getting angry when they don’t get their way, but is there a reason it feels so upsetting to them when they can’t predict what’s coming up next?

Anxiety can be tricky, and if you or your therapist isn’t digging underneath the surface, you might be working on fixing the behaviors, but you’re never addressing the underlying cause. That’s why you need to work with therapists who specialize in anxiety, and know that it doesn’t always look like your classic flight/freeze.

Kelsey Torgerson Dunn, MSW, LCSW is the owner of Compassionate Counseling St. Louis and author of When Anxiety Makes You Angry: CBT Anger Management Skills for Teens.

Curious to learn more? Is your angry child actually anxious? Are you an angry teen who actually, um, isn’t that angry? Let us know! Our therapists specialize in anxiety and anger management for kids and teens from age four through college. We work with families throughout the St. Louis region. Schedule a free phone screening on our website, at www.compassionatecounselingstl.com/consult