Child Therapy for Anxious Kids: Bluey and Emotional Acceptance
As a St. Louis based child therapy practice, we know how challenging it is to have a child with anxiety, and especially anxiety-driven anger.
“Does my kid have ADHD?” “Does my kid have Oppositional Defiant Disorder?” “Am I doing something wrong as a parent?” “Why are they so explosive??”
We get these questions a ton at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis, and because we specialize in anxiety-driven anger, we know that this big, outward, explosive reactions can often be caused by underlying anxiety.
Anxious kids, and kids with anxiety-driven anger, often identify their feelings as bad, and sometimes identify themselves as bad.
But there’s no such thing as a bad kid - and there’s no such thing as a bad feeling, either.
In this Bluey episode called “Bad Mood,” Bingo gets called cheeky by her mother, and feels sad and upset. Then, she decides to play a game called Bad Mood with her father - where, giggling the whole time, Bingo let’s her dad stomp on toys, knock over Bluey’s tower, through the laundry everywhere, and generally cause a ruckus. She kind of likes being in a bad mood, and is enjoying the trouble she’s causing.
Her sister, Bluey, tries to help Bingo use coping skills to get out of her bad mood.
They sit down in a calm chair, take deep breaths, draw calming pictures, and listen to music. All great coping skills! But then, Bingo decides to go right back to her bad mood. Because she’s getting something out of it.
The only thing that works? Accepting her bad mood. “He’s not bad.” She says, coming up to hug her dad. “He was just behaving bad.”
Bad mood Bingo and the three step approach to overwhelming emotions.
Our therapists at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis use a three-step approach to dealing with overhwelming emotins
(Read More Here: The Three Step Approach for Better Anxiety and Anger Management)
Identify and Empathize
Calm Down
Game Plan
In Step 1, we identify the emotion, and we empathize and accept the emotion - just like Bingo does by hugging her bad mood at the end of the clip.
Photo by Jess Zoerb on Unsplash
As a parent, this usually looks like: “It seemed like you got really angry when we went to your new classroom, and I’m wondering if part of you was feeling scared, too. New classrooms are definitely scary! Sometimes when our bodies feel really scared on the inside, it makes us look and act angry on the outside.. That’s just my guess, though - what do you think made you feel this way?”
Importantly, allow for feedback! Your child may not actually have been angry or scared - they may have been feeling something else, like sad or anxious. And emphasize that however they feel, it’s ok! There’s no such thing as a bad emotion.
In Step 2, we calm down, just like Bluey tried to do with coaching Bingo to take deep breaths, draw, and music. But it usually works a little better to try and calm down after figuring out what the emotional issue is.
“Ok, so if you’re feeling scared about what’s going on, we need to have our bodies and brains calm before we can come up with a really good solution. So, do you want to do something with your breathing, your brain, or your muscles? Your choice!”
Need help coming up with some good coping skills? You’ll find our index post with all of the coping skills we’ve ever written about, right here!
Our Favorite Relaxation Activities for Kids and Teens
And remember, we all have mirror neurons, meaning we match the emotional state of others. If you’re able to calm down and stay calm as the parent, your success rate will be much higher.
Feeling like you need some parent support?
Our parent coaching program is like therapy for parents, helping you come up with a plan for how to to handle your child's temper tantrums or model coping skills.
In Step 3, we game plan.
Sometimes we have to do things that we don’t want to do, but there may be room to compromise. There’s a big difference between giving in to the angry, anxious demands, and helping your child feel less overwhelmed through making one or two compromises.
For example, they have to go to their new classroom, but maybe it’s ok with the teacher if you sit in for awhile. Or, maybe you let them take 15 minutes getting a drink of water and receiving a big cuddle.
Bingo’s mom is fine with Bingo throwing around clothes and knocking down towers in the moment, but later when she’s calm, Bingo can help with cleaning up the mess and moving on with her day.
No matter how overwhelmed your kid gets, and no matter how big their “bad mood” gets, there is a way forward!
We think the three step approach is super helpful, but you may need some extra help in getting your kid to follow the steps, actually identify their emotions, and practice relaxation skills. That’s where chid anxiety therapy comes in.
By working with a child therapist, especially one who specializes in anxiety and anxiety-driven anger, you can ensure that you’re providing the best possible support for your kid, and meeting their emotional needs - all while making sure you’re getting support as a parent, too.
Parenting isn’t easy! Bad moods are tough. But there’s a way forward - and we’d love to help you navigate it.
Kelsey Torgerson Dunn is the author of When Anxiety Makes You Angry and founder of Compassionate Counseling St. Louis. She works with anxious teens, college students, and adults.
Compassionate Counseling St. Louis specializes in anxiety therapy for teens, kids, and college students, along with partnering with parents through parent coaching - basically therapy for parents here in St. Louis. We’re located in Clayton and work with clients throughout the St. Louis region. To schedule a free phone consultation, please use our contact page.
