Helping Your Anxious Child: CBT for Parents
CBT in St. Louis for Kids, Teens, and Parents
When it comes to parenting a child with anxiety or anger, management problems, parents can have it pretty rough. Dealing with tantrums, outburst, and crying spells is no one’s idea of a good time. Throw in the noncompliance, huge outbursts, trashing rooms, and breaking things that can often accompany anxiety driven anger and young children, and, of course, it makes sense that you might feel at the end of your rope.
The great news is, CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy, can also be a great framework for you as a parent.
CBT Strategies for Parents:
(Check out our cbt primers here and here!)
CBT uses the cognitive triangle to explore how are thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, all impact one another. Let me tell her stuff about a situation in packs, or mid, and our mood and packs how we react. And then we can cycle, our anger behaviors, leading to the angry reactions, leading to more and more angry thoughts.
This CBT triangle also allows us to realize our change points.
We are in charge of our thoughts, our feelings, and our reactions. We can’t change what’s going on in the situation that is prompting our frustration, but we can be in charge of how we deal with it.
As the parent of a young child, and as someone who has worked in schools for many years, I know that there are many opportunities to lose your cool, even when you’re the adult in charge. So, here are three favorite CBT strategies for parents, one for each point of the triangle.
(Check out How to Parent an Angry Kid and The Building Blocks of Your Child’s Anxiety.)
St. Louis CBT for Parents Part 1: Thoughts
The Generous Reframe
What we tell ourselves about the situation, impacts our feelings and our reactions. But often, the first that we jump to is not the correct one, and that certainly is rarely the generous one.
I noticed during our intake calls with parents that some parents blame their kids for what’s going on, especially when anger management issues comes into the picture (and we love working with anger management for kids).
And to be fair, the stressful situations are happening with the kids and their reactions. That doesn’t mean that they enjoy what they’re doing, or that they like feeling the way that they do. Honestly, the kids in therapy often expressed remorse and regret. They wish they didn’t feel as angry, anxious, or is overwhelmed as they do. They don’t like being a “bad kid”.”
So if the first thought that pops into your head when your kid is over reacting is “here we go again. They must be enjoying themeslves.” Or “they love doing this” or “they know what they’re doing.” Take a pause and reframe in a generous light.
Yes, some kids could truly enjoy the power they feel when they break things or throw things or dismantle things.
They could enjoy the snuggles after their panic attack, or the way that you feel bad and you take them out to get a treat after another huge blowup.
But in the moment of a huge outburst, it’s likely that they don’t love what they’re doing. So rather than blaming them, or assuming ill intent, what if we tried, “their emotions are getting really big.“ Or, “this is a pattern of behavior. I don’t like what they’re doing, but I think I can help them through this.”
Need support and strategies for parenting your anxious, angry child?
Therapeutic parent coaching teaches you what to do when, so you know how to handle the next outburst.
St. Louis CBT for Parents Part 2: Feelings
Who is in charge of how you feel?
My second CBT strategy for parents is to remind you, who is in charge of your feelings? They can’t change what people do, how people react, or the situation we find ourselves in. We are only in charge of ourselves, and while we can parent our kids. We certainly can’t control them. So that means, we need to recognize that while our kids might be driving us crazy, it’s up to us to manage our emotions.
Misery loves company is true. If your kid is having a huge, anxious or angry overreaction, at some core level, their body might be trying to get you to react the way that they are. So, break the cycle! When your kid is feeling angry, take a step back and make sure that you are not becoming angry. When your kid is feeling anxious and stressed, identifying your own anxiety and stress and keep it from taking over. This leads right to CBT tip three.
St. Louis CBT for Parents Part 3: Behaviors
Your Relaxation Toolkit
If you’ve spent any time on our website, you know how important we find relaxation strategies for kids, teens, and college students. Relaxation is a foundational skill. It is also a skill that helps you remain in charge of your emotions and behaviors. Rather than just trying to count to 10 or just taking a deep breath, you as a parent need a row best set of relaxation strategies so that you can ensure you remain calm during the overwhelming outbursts.
And the great thing is, when you model the strategies for your kids, you are teaching them important skills as well. Letting them know, “I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I know you seem angry too. I am going to test my muscles, really tight and then relax them a few times. If you wanna join, great! Otherwise, no worries.”
Or, “I am feeling really sad because I didn’t get a promotion that I wanted. I know it’s not a huge deal, but it is disappointing. I’m gonna go for a walk to cheer myself up if you want to come, too.”
Identifying your emotions and breaking down your coping skills strategies in front of your kids models very healthy behavior.
Kelsey Torgerson Dunn is the author of When Anxiety Makes You Angry and founder of Compassionate Counseling St. Louis. She works with anxious teens, college students, and adults.
Compassionate Counseling St. Louis specializes in anxiety therapy for teens, kids, and college students, along with partnering with parents through parent coaching - basically therapy for parents here in St. Louis. We’re located in Clayton and work with clients throughout the St. Louis region. To schedule a free phone consultation, please use our contact page.
