How Can Divorced Parents Navigate the Holidays?
It’s okay to dread the holidays.
Holiday season can bring on a lot of anxiety. You might be gearing up for extended family to come stay with you, preparing big feasts, packing for a trip or helping your kids study for their last few finals of the semester. It seems like the last few months of the year always go by the fastest and there isn’t a lot of time to relax. This time can be especially overwhelming for families with divorced parents.
Even if you have a great relationship with your ex, the holidays can bring up a lot of emotions for you and your kids.
There’s no one-size-fits all model when it comes to how to approach the holidays with your kids. Even if you have a custody agreement of where they spend their time, you might notice irritability, angry outbursts, tension and sadness more often than usual. It can be tough and even frustrating at times to get them to “be on their best behavior.”
There’s a lot of pressure during the holiday season to have it all together and look like the “perfect” family, but it’s important to remember that no family is perfect.
It’s okay to acknowledge how both you and your kids are feeling. Let them know that it’s okay to feel sad and upset and even let them know that you feel that way too. A lot of times, kids just want to feel heard.
So, what can you do to help them prepare?
Plan Ahead - Preparing for something before it happens, is a great way to help curb anxious feelings. Confirm your plans as early as possible so everyone knows what to expect. If your ex has the kids that day, try planning a time a few days before or after that can be just as special.
Be okay with change - No matter how long you’ve been divorced, holidays will continue to look and feel a little different every year. That’s okay! Change doesn’t have to mean bad, it can just mean different. Make sure to take the time to let your kids know what changes they can expect, while also reminding them of things that have stayed the same. If you still hang the same stockings or use the same menorah, let them know those things aren’t going anywhere.
Create new traditions - If the divorce is more recent, try finding new ways to make this time special with your kids. Choose a movie together as a family, a favorite meal you can recreate every year or let your kids plan an activity and surprise you! If the divorce is not so recent, it’s still important to remember that the holidays are about quality time. Even if you already have new traditions in place, you can always adjust those traditions as time goes on and your kids get older!
It’s okay to ask for help, even for yourself.
Divorce during the holidays can be just as hard on you as it is for the kids. Both you and your children are adjusting to doing holidays differently than before. Your kids are adjusting to new changes, you are also getting used to doing things differently. It can be really hard to be away from your kids on special occasions and it’s important to allow yourself time to relax. Lean on your friends and family and plan how you’re going to spend that day without them, so you can keep your mind focused on something other than what your kids might be doing without you.
It’s also important to remember that you and your children might need some extra help with handling the overwhelm and anxiety that becomes extra noticeable over the holidays. There can be a lot of pressure for divorced parents to make sure their kids feel supported during this time. Being stressed is normal during the holidays but it’s also important to take the stress off yourself and reach out for help when the stress becomes too much.
Your kids might want someone to talk to that isn’t mom or dad and that’s where therapy can really come into play. Our therapists have a lot of experience dealing with divorced families. They can dive in and help your kids manage their feelings and express themselves in better ways. If you’re interested in reading more about how Compassionate Counseling St. Louis works with divorced families, check out more information here.
Lauren Goldberger is an MSW student at University of Missouri St. Louis, and the administrative assistant and intake coordinator at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis.
Curious to learn more about how to help your kids adjust to holidays with divorced parents, or are you a little reluctant about counseling? Compassionate Counseling St. Louis provides specialized anger management and anxiety therapy in St. Louis for kids, teens, and college students. We work in Clayton, MO and serve kids, teens, and college students throughout St. Louis City, St. Louis County, Ladue, University City, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Coeur, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood. You can set up your free phone screening to see if we’re a good fit for your needs right on our website.
Thumbnail image provided by: Benjamin Manley