Therapy for Teens: Understanding the Window of Tolerance
As teen therapists in St. Louis, we know that everyone has a limit.
We can handle the anxiety, the frustration, the stress that comes up in our everyday life, until we just can't handle it anymore. We reach our tipping point. Our calm and collected bodies and brains give way to big outbursts, yelling, screaming, maybe even cursing out our friends or parents. We're no longer able to tolerate what's going on. We've passed the threshold of our "Window of Tolerance."
What can you handle?
If you’re a teen with anxiety or anger issues, you know that it can sometimes be scarily easy to explode, and feel totally out of control.
When we operate within our window of tolerance, we are able to cope, calm down, and think through how to best solve problems. When we're operating outside of our window, our pre-frontal cortex, our "thinking brain," is unable to operate. We end up in fight, flight, or freeze mode - until we're able to calm down enough to re-enter our window.
There are two levels to our window: hyper and hypo.
In the hyper-arousal stage, we're very alert to our surroundings. Our behaviors when we pass this crest are very external, meaning people can usually tell when we've passed our limit. Look for yelling, screaming, crying, or wanting to hit/punch/kick.
In the hypo-arousal stage, we tend to close in on ourselves. People who have dropped below their window of tolerance may close in on themselves, want to go to bed, and just totally disengage from others around them.
Everyone's window of tolerance is different.
You may have a friend who seems just totally zen, all the time. It’s entirely possible that they have a wider window of tolerance than you, meaning they can still experience the same feelings of stress, anxiety, anger, or sadness without feeling overwhelmed, or tipping off either end of their window.
OR, situations that may seem small to us can set someone else off entirely.
Their stress levels may build throughout the day, so that they're operating right at the highest level of their window. A small problem or concern can tip them fully over the edge. So while it may seem like they shouldn't be upset, it makes a lot of sense.
It's like filling a glass with water. The closer and closer you get to that edge, the smaller amount of water you need for that glass to totally overflow.
How to handle this:
Throughout the day, you should monitor your own personal levels of stress, anxiety, frustration, or sadness. Ask yourself: what impacts me the most? When can I tell that I'm reaching my limit?
It can be really helpful to track this, using the window of tolerance print out.
Graph what you noticed happening to your emotional levels before, during, and after the stress-inducing events. Maybe you even noticed some small stressors before you reached your explosion point.
Then, build a coping skills checklist. When you notice your anxiety level rising in class, ask to get a drink of water and check in with your heart rate. If you're starting to feel very sad when yet another friend is busy for the weekend, try and come up with a few things that cheer you up even on your own. When you proactively calm down for the small stressors, you can handle the big stresses much more easily - without falling outside your window.
And actually, using coping and relaxation skills in your day to day life helps make your window of tolerance bigger.
The more regularly you practice, the more likely you are to start your day off on a calm foot. Triggers and stressors are much easier to deal with if you're already calm. And the more you practice relaxation skills, the easier it is to use one of those skills in the moment.
When Anxiety Makes You Angry: The Book!
In When Anxiety Makes You Angry: CBT Anger Management Strategies for Teens With Anxiety-Driven Anger, you’ll learn more about the window of tolerance, build your coping skills toolkit, and explore what’s getting in your way. Learn more about the book here!
Curious to hear more anxiety counseling in St. Louis, or are you a little reluctant about counseling? Compassionate Counseling St. Louis provides specialized anxiety and anger management therapy for kids, teens, and college students. We work in Clayton, MO and serve kids, teens, and college students throughout St. Louis City, St. Louis County, Ladue, University City, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Coeur, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood. You can set up your free phone screening to see if we’re a good fit for your needs right on our website.
Read more:
Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the body: A sensorimotor approach to psychotherapy. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.
Siegel, D. J. (2011). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New York: Bantam Books Trade Paperbacks.