How To Use Games to Help Anxious, Angry Kids: Part 1
You know your child’s not just angry. There’s something going on underneath the surface, too.
And a lot of times, that anger is masking anxiety, stress, and overwhelm.
When kids and teens (and even adults, too!) get anxious, their brains and bodies start to take over. Their fight/flight/freeze response gets activated.
That means for some kids, when they feel scared, they look scared.
The run away (flight) or totally shut down and clam up (freeze).
For many of us, our fight reaction takes over.
And instead of just looking scared on the outside, we look MAD. We look like we’re ready to get into a fight and defend ourselves. We’re ready to yell, or scream, or call you bad names, and we have a very, very hard time calming down.
Play therapy goals for angry, anxious kids:
When we use play interventions, we focus on three things:
Building our relationship
Following the rules
Practicing self-regulation
Build your relationship with your child:
We know the best predictor of a good outcome from therapy is that relationship we have with the child or teen we work with. For you as a parent, that relationship is what you need to fall back on when you lay down the law. Kids are much more likely to follow your directions, and stay calm, when you have that secure, loving relationship.
When you play games with your children, especially in a healthy way (ie it’s less about you winning and more about having fun, but TBH, I have trouble with the not winning part, too), you build a really solid foundation to your relationship.
Help your child follow the rules:
Rules are important! For children with anxiety, rules go one of two ways. They either feel awesome, because when people follow the rules we know what they’re going to do, or they feel terrible, because the rules don’t align with what we want to do and when.
Build up self-regulation skills for your kids:
When they start to get frustrated with the game, take some time to stop and think. Is this a huge problem, or can I handle it. Can I do something to calm my body down? Can I take a deep breath?
One of my favorite things to do during a game with a child is to model how I handle distress. So if they start winning, I’ll say, “Oh man! I’m happy for you since you’re doing awesome, but I’m also starting to get a little annoyed with myself! I’m going to squeeze my muscles really tight and then loosen them, so that my body feels really calm.
Or, I’ll notice that their anger levels are starting to elevate. I might say something like, “You seem to be getting a little upset. Which I totally get - I don’t like when I’m starting to do worse in a game, too! Let’s take a quick break and do some heart and belly breathing. I’ll do it with you!”
Ultimately, we want to use games to help our child better manage their anger - and model how to move forward.
If they’re being a sore loser, or calling the game stupid, you don’t have to point it out in the moment. You want to identify how they’re feeling, calm down, and then figure out how to solve the problem.
The more you play games, the better! And the more you model how to handle frustration, the easier it will be for your child to start showing it, as well.
Finally, the most important parts of playing games as a family are:
Building our relationship
Following the rules
Practicing self-regulation
So you don’t need to point out when your child is being a sore loser, or when they’re not playing the way you want them to play. Focus instead on praising when they make good choices, when they take a deep breath an self regulate, and when they show a little grace in the face of defeat.
It’s progress, not perfection. So let’s help them progress!
Read part two right here.
We’ll be sharing some of our favorite games to help angry, anxious kids build up their self regulation skills.
We’ll see you next time!
Kelsey Torgerson Dunn, MSW, LCSW is the owner of Compassionate Counseling St. Louis.
Curious to hear more about anger and anxiety counseling for kids? Compassionate Counseling St. Louis provides specialized therapy for kids, teens, and college students. We work in Clayton, MO and serve kids, teens, and college students throughout St. Louis City, St. Louis County, Ladue, University City, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Coeur, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood. You can set up your free phone screening to see if we’re a good fit for your needs right on our website.