Setting Boundaries for Emotional Regulation and Stability with Samantha Ferrara, MSW, LMSW
In the past few weeks we have had founder of Compassionate Counseling St. Louis, Kelsey Dunn, MSW, LCSW as well as Compassionate Counseling St. Louis trauma therapist Molly Shaffer, M.Ed., LPC share with us some important insights about setting boundaries with anxious kids and why boundaries are so important.
This week, parent coach and anxiety therapist Samantha Ferrara, MSW, LMSW of Compassionate Counseling St. Louis offers her expert insights on setting and holding boundaries with anxious St. Louis kids.
How can boundary setting reduce anxiety and improve emotional regulation?
Boundary setting allows a sense of predictability and safety to grow for your child, teen, or adolescent and creates a more safe and secure feeling for them in your environment. It gives them options and choices, while letting them know what to expect. This increases emotional regulation and stability as kids and teens learn to identify and manage their emotions.
Practicing identifying and managing their emotions might include some of the pushback that can happen when boundaries are set. By laying that boundary, your child can explore the emotions that are coming up and the behaviors that might be happening. This can be done together or your child might see how you are reacting to some boundaries and be able to mirror that behavior as well.
How can I stay calm and consistent as a parent when my child pushes back on those boundaries that I've set?
This can be super difficult, especially when some of those boundary-related behaviors get big or emotional, and we don't know if they're safe, if they need assistance, or if they're just not managing those emotions well.
We want to make sure that we're observing what we're feeling, just like we want our kids and teens to observe how they're feeling. Are we feeling angry at their response? Are we starting to get anxious or worried about how we might respond because this is such a frustrating experience?
Step one is to always observe what we're feeling and make sure that we're using our coping skills, just like we want our kids to use coping skills.
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Whether you need to take a step back and take a deep breath, put a pause on the conversation or take a break, and come back—using clear communication and an assertive tone to explain those boundaries and the reasons why you're setting them will help your child manage those emotions.
An important part of this is that we need to remain consistent. If we waver on those boundaries, that's when we'll get even more pushback because your anxious child learns, "Hey, if I throw a tantrum or start crying, then mom or dad or grandma might allow this to slide." So we want to stay consistent, observe what we're feeling inside, and take our own deep breath.
With time, those boundaries will get easier to set, and your child will learn how to respond to those boundaries and increase their emotional regulation.
Want Some Help Identifying and Setting Boundaries?
It can be so hard to know the best thing for your child when they are struggling. And sometimes it can be really hard to identify what boundaries would help your child the most! At Compassionate Counseling St. Louis, our parent coaches love to partner with parents to figure out what is already working and what could be working better. They are skilled at understanding your situation and helping you find and set helpful boundaries that allow your child a safe space to thrive. If you aren’t sure that this is the right fit for you, you can set up a free 15 minute consultation call to talk more about what support could look like for you at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis.
Here are some more helpful blogs about skills for parenting anxious kids:
Compassionate Counseling St. Louis provides specialized anger management and anxiety therapy in St. Louis for kids, teens, and college students as well as parent coaching. We work in Clayton, MO and serve kids, teens, and college students throughout St. Louis City, St. Louis County, Ladue, University City, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Coeur, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood. You can set up your free phone screening to see if we’re a good fit for your needs right on our website.