How Anxiety, Perfectionism, and Toxic Positivity Feed Into One Another
What is toxic positivity?
You may have heard of toxic negativity before, or of someone having a “toxic” energy. They idea of something being toxic means that it’s bad for you - and while we obviously never want to label thoughts or feelings as “bad” or “negative” (see here: How to Banish Toxic Thoughts (The Big Secret That ACT Therapists Want You To Know)), some experiences can be pretty unhelpful for you and your brain.
Toxic positivity keeps you presenting the good and ignoring the bad.
It keeps you from really sharing what’s going on, and really being honest about your own internal experiences. Toxic positivity keeps you stuck in one lane, feeling trapped and unable to escape.
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Toxic positivity, perfectionism, and anxiety all feed in to one another.
Per Kendra Cherry at VeryWell Mind, “Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. It's a ‘good vibes only’ approach to life.” Toxic positivity means you feel like you can only focus on the good and try and push away the bad.
In terms of perfectionism, where we always want to do our best and are so disappointed when we don’t meet our (very high!) expectations, coming short of our goals feels terrible. When we have perfectionism AND toxic positivity, we have an internal message telling us “I’m terrible,” or “I’m a failure,” a long with an internal message that “Feeling bad makes me bad,” or, “There’s something wrong with me for feeling this way.”
Here’s where anxiety comes in:
Toxic positivity: Good vibes only!
Perfectionism: I got less than an A on this test. I’m a failure!
Anxiety: Having this thought makes me a bad person, because “good vibes only!” I can’t tell people about this! I have to keep it to myself! There’s something really wrong with me. I can’t let anyone else know about this!
Toxic positivity vs. perfectionism creates anxiety.
It increases your stress level to the point that any underlying anxiety gets bigger and bigger, to the point where you can’t keep it inside anymore. And, because toxic positivity doesn’t want you to share when you’re feeling less than amazing, you try and bottle everything up - until it explodes.
Toxic positivity plus anxiety can lead to anger management issues.
You know we love working with anxiety-driven anger, so our anxiety therapists are always on the lookout for when anger could be masking something else.
A lot of times, the kids, teens, and college students we see for individual therapy don’t identify themselves as angry people. They know they’re not always feeling anger on the inside, even when that’s what it looks like to parents, friends, or teachers on the outside.
It’s just that these rigid boundaries you’ve put on yourself (“I have to be perfect” and “I can’t acknowledge when things are bad”) get sooo tight that you have to release the pressure somehow.
Enter: the anxiety-driven anger outburst. The yelling, the screaming, the shouting, the crying - all of the things that look so big (and often feels so embarrassing after) on the outside.
Photo by May Manzur on Unsplash
Should I work with an anxiety therapist?
If you feel trapped, or like you can only represent the good and have to hide the bad, then yes, we probably would recommend therapy.
You need a therapist or counselor who can help you untangle this whole mess. Who can figure out if you’re experiencing toxic positivity, or perfectionism, and how this combo might be leading to anxiety problems for you.
Your therapist will work with you to figure out the best strategies for moving forward.
You don’t have to feel trapped by toxic positivity.
You can still be a “positive” person, who’s real. Who feels genuine. Who doesn’t feel stuck by these internalized, self-imposed limits on what is ok and acceptable to show to the world.
We want to help you move forward without all the stress.
So, let’s talk! We’d love to help you find freedom from this trap.
Curious to learn more about anxiety therapy for toxic positivity in St. Louis? Compassionate Counseling St. Louis provides specialized anger management and anxiety therapy in St. Louis for kids, teens, and college students. We love helping with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We work in Clayton, MO and serve kids, teens, and college students throughout St. Louis City, St. Louis County, Ladue, University City, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Coeur, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood. You can set up your free phone screening to see if we’re a good fit for your needs right on our website.