How can you prepare for school this year?

It’s hard to plan for anything these days and you might notice feelings of anxiety or overwhelm more often than you have before. With school back in session, your kids are likely feeling this too. School looks very different from years past, so the typical anxieties you might be used to managing have likely changed as well.

Give yourself time to adjust.

We all get used to certain routines and schedules and for a lot of families, going back to school in the fall is a part of a schedule that everyone is familiar with. This year though, you might be adjusting to virtual learning, shorter class days or weeks, smaller class sizes, etc., and those changes can bring a lot of anxiety.

Anxiety disorders are a huge concern in college.

Stress disorders, self-harm, overwhelm and depression all become big concerns in college due to a couple of different factors: age, brain development, and the stress and independence that go hand in hand with starting college.

And rather than you being able to monitor any big changes in your student, you’re not there.

You only hear and know as much as they want to tell you. Whether you have serious concerns, or you just feel like you’re out of the loop, it’s tough to parent your college student and feel like you’re actually having an impact.

Parents will often reach out to me about their new college students, sharing concerns like:

• My college student never calls!

• I’m worried my college student has anxiety and depression.

• I’m not sure if my college student can manage stress.

• Is my college student depressed/anxious/too angry/too overwhelmed?

• And the ultimate concern: I don’t know how to help my college student deal with everything that’s going on.

It’s tough to figure out how to parent and deal with these concerns when your student no longer lives in your house. And even if you’ve noticed signs of anxiety in the past, the game plan can be so different when your child is in college vs. when they were at home.

So what can you do?

Nobody enjoys having a panic attack…

But they're particularly awful when they happen at school. On top of experiencing all of those physical symptoms - shortness of breath, tense muscles, pounding heart - you're worried about how other people will respond to you. 

When you’re an anxious teen looking for therapy, you’ll probably come across the letters CBT a lot. What do they mean? And how is CBT used in anxiety therapy?

CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and is an evidence-based treatment for anxiety and anger management issues.

Our anxiety specialists are trained in and incorporate pieces of CBT into their work with kids, teens, and college students at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis.

Toxic positivity, perfectionism, and anxiety tend to impact one another.

“Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. It's a ‘good vibes only’ approach to life.” Toxic positivity means you feel like you can only focus on the good and try and push away the bad.

In terms of perfectionism, where we always want to do our best and are so disappointed when we don’t meet our (very high!) expectations, coming short of our goals feels terrible. When we have perfectionism AND toxic positivity, we have an internal message telling us “I’m terrible,” or “I’m a failure,” a long with an internal message that “Feeling bad makes me bad,” or, “There’s something wrong with me for feeling this way.”

Here’s where anxiety comes in:

1. Toxic positivity: Good vibes only!

2. Perfectionism: I got less than an A on this test. I’m a failure!

3. Anxiety: Having this thought makes me a bad person, because “good vibes only!” I can’t tell people about this! I have to keep it to myself! There’s something really wrong with me. I can’t let anyone else know about this!

College is already stressful but this year with the added stress of Covid, you might be feeling even more overwhelmed.

It’s hard to believe we are now a full year into this pandemic. The initial fear of the unknown might have subsided but now you might be noticing anxiety coming up in different ways. This lasting pandemic stress is becoming more common, especially among college students. It’s important to understand how to cope and when you should reach out for extra help.

As college students, the pressure to have life “figured out” after graduating can be really overwhelming. Add a pandemic on top of that, and your level of overwhelm has gotten even bigger.

You might also be feeling anxiety around virtual learning, worry about the job market, and anger about missing out on all of the fun you expected to have during college. All of these feelings are normal and valid! Remember that you aren’t alone in feeling this way.

Why is perfectionism a bad thing?

Perfectionism is a lofty goal that keeps you from completing things or doing things that are good enough. If you have to be perfect, anything less than 110% is basically a failure, right?

When you have perfectionism, you’re constantly worried about not meeting your own expectations, AND you’re worried about what it says about you.

Perfectionism plus anxiety plus depression:

When we have perfectionism, we tend to be anxious. We have to meet our big goals for ourselves. If we don’t, we’ve failed. Then, that perceived failure makes us feel bad about ourselves - and that trips us right into a depression zone.

Perfectionism makes it so hard to let go of our overwhelming thoughts.

Our brains prevent us from fully engaging because they get so worried about what a poor grade, poor score, or poor performance means about us. Many times, we start to spiral. It usually looks something like…

It’s so important to find the right fit for you and your child.

And with our therapists, when we come together as a team, we help to make sure you’re getting the best help possible. All of our therapists have their own individual clinical backgrounds and experience, but they also have the specialized training as team in how to best work with anxiety and anger management in kids, teens, and college students.

What makes Compassionate Counseling St. Louis special? All of our therapists understand that anger and anxiety serve a purpose.

Our team would never call anxiety or anger bad. We may not like how it feels, or our reactions that we have may be unhelpful, but we always want to figure out how to move forward with anxiety and anger, and how to help it not feel so big.

Perfectionism isn’t always a good thing.

You probably hear that a lot already, but your brain is telling you, “Well… perfectionism helps me do well in school. Perfectionism means I only turn in the best work. Perfectionism means that I care.” And your brain is probably right!

Perfectionism probably does feel like it makes you a better student.

Perfectionism is doing a lot of other not so good things, as well.

At the same time, perfectionism can feel helpful.

When you have a high drive to succeed, perfectionism feels like it helps you turn in the best work possible. You know that you have to do your best. You criticize every small mistake you make, which means you won’t make those mistakes ever again - right?

Failure is really important!

If you’re worried about failing, chances are, you’re a teen or college student who wants to do well. We specialize in working with kids and teens who are consistently high performers in school. And a lot of times, underneath all that drive and ambition, there's a ton of anxiety.

With the start of a new school year, you’re probably starting to remember how much stress you experience with school. You worry about failure. But what if we figured out a way to use it and move forward?

Why is an anxiety specialist talking time management?

Unsurprisingly, college students with anxiety really need help when it comes to time management. Often, they flip from task to task, and quickly become overwhelmed with trying to do everything at the same time. Or, they start to procrastinate because they don’t want to engage in this anxiety-provoking task.

Procrastination and avoidance are okay.

In fact, they’re totally normal! It’s just your body and brain’s way of trying to take care of you.

The problem is, procrastination can get really out of hand, really quickly. It can cause you to miss simple assignments and doubt your preparedness for college and the real world.

That’s why today we’re talking:

3 Top Tips for College Time Management

Deciding on your college and figuring out how to apply in the first place can be STRESSFUL.

It causes a bunch of anxiety in the many, many highschoolers and college-aged students I work with. And while I’ve written on How to Prepare Your Anxious Highschooler for College and Parenting Your Anxious College Student, sometimes you need really specific information and to do lists from someone who does more than just the emotional/stress management side of college. That’s where Joann comes in!

I’m so excited to share our interview below! Joann also has one book out and another on the way, helping to walk parents and teens through the whole college application process (links below).

Joann: I provide college counseling for teens who are trying to navigate the college admissions process. 

I work with helping them identify colleges and/or majors that may be a potential fit, brainstorming the essay, creating an activity list/resume, completing the Common App, organizational skills, help with scholarships, interviewing, talking about their fears and concerns, answering questions, and whatever else comes with the college process. 

Kelsey: Could you talk a little about your approach and how you modify it when working with teens who have anxiety/perfectionism/stress/anger management?

Joann: The interesting thing about what I do is that nearly everyone has stress about the college process, not just those with diagnoses.  It might be the idea of leaving home and the fear it invokes or it might be just being anxious about getting it all done and making a good decision.  For people who have anxiety or perfectionism issues, though, college counseling can be especially helpful because we can separate fact from fiction and ‘urban legend’. Knowledge is powerful and knowing when to ask for help is a sign of intelligence!  Being able to ask questions freely is a great help to reducing students’ stress. For the anxious student, breaking down the steps into manageable baby steps has proven very stress-relieving as well! Being able to talk in a safe environment away from the school day where students can voice their opinions, fears, and concerns reduces stress and anxiety.  They are in a place where they can be their true selves.  Meeting regularly can help keep the student on track and not get off-course further reducing stress.

One of the most important components of stress management and a busy schedule is prioritizing.

A lot of the anxious, perfectionist teens and college students I work with feel overwhelmed by the amount of things to get done during the busy school year.

Rather than letting all of those tasks feel insurmountable, you can break down what needs to be done and when. Figure out the steps needed to reach your goal, and keep those steps really specific and time-sensitive (such as, "I need to research 10 articles for this upcoming history paper by Tuesday," vs. just "I need to start work on my history paper.")

Productivity is crucial, but so is restorative time.

It's also important for teens and college students to build in lots of self-regulation and coping time. So, schedule it in.

Along with breaking down homework into manageable, tasks, add 5 or 10 minutes of a guided meditation, walk outside, or listening to calm music.

Sunday scaries and college go hand in hand.

What are Sunday Scaries? That sense of dread before the work or school week starts back up again.

Some dread about the end of the weekend is common, but if it’s having a profound impact on you, it should be looked at

Recently, a journalist had reached out to therapists asking them for their top tips on how to banish toxic thoughts.

She had asked, for 2019, the top thoughts to banish and never think of again.

The problem? Banishing thoughts DOESN’T WORK!

From an acceptance and commitment therapy perspective, it’s actually a lot more useful to focus on allowing these thoughts to happen rather than banishing them.

You can let them pass you by, and come up with something that may feel more helpful, but telling a thought to STOP is like getting into a finger trap. The more and more you pull away, the tighter and tighter the thought holds on. 

When you fight a thought, you’re giving that thought so much more power than it actually has.

Generalized anxiety disorder is the diagnostic name for kids, teens, and adults who meet the criteria. Oftentimes people will say they have anxiety, or general anxiety, without quite meaning that they meet all of the criteria. You can find a screening tool* for kids and for adults put together by the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (*which gives you information, but you will want to meet with a counselor, social worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist for a true screening). 

What makes anxiety a disorder?

Generally speaking, an anxiety disorder gets in the way of your everyday life, and is harder to manage. It comes up in multiple environments, so home and school, or work and home. 

Physical symptoms of anxiety - your body clues:

Perfectionist kids, teens, and college students have trouble ignoring their perfectionistic tendencies and focusing on the challenge at hand.

Our brains prevent us from fully engaging because they get so worried about what a poor grade, poor score, or poor performance means about us. Many times, the kids and teens I work with will engage in an anxious spiral. It usually looks something like:

• If I get less than an A on this test, that means I have a bad grade

• If I have a bad grade, that means I’m doing poorly in this class

• I might even fail this class

• And other classes

• And I’ll barely graduate highschool

• And I won’t get into the college I want

• And I won’t be able to go to medical school

• Which means I’ll never be a doctor

• My life will be ruined

But when we take a step back, we can see that the anxiety spiral is little bit out of control.

There’s no way, when we use logic, that getting less than an A on your test means that you’re life is ruined. Our anxious minds just tell us this because they want us to be prepared for the worst case scenario.