Perfectionism in High School and College: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Perfectionism isn’t always a good thing.
You probably hear that a lot already, but your brain is telling you, “Well… perfectionism helps me do well in school. Perfectionism means I only turn in the best work. Perfectionism means that I care.” And your brain is probably right!
Perfectionism probably does feel like it makes you a better student.
Perfectionism is doing a lot of other not so good things, as well.
At the same time, perfectionism can feel helpful.
When you have a high drive to succeed, perfectionism feels like it helps you turn in the best work possible. You know that you have to do your best. You criticize every small mistake you make, which means you won’t make those mistakes ever again - right?
Will I ever be good enough?
The downside of perfectionism is that it often feels like a moving target.
Photo by Jasmine Coro on Unsplash
Let’s say I’m turning in one assignment, and I get a B+ This can’t ever happen again. I turn in another assignment, and work so much harder on it - and I get barely an A-. It’s basically still a B. Now I feel like a real failure. The third assignment of the quarter, I’m so paralyzed by the idea of not getting an A that I spend hours and hours working on it. It still looks terrible. I don’t even want to turn it in… so I don’t.
Or, let’s say I’m a competitive tennis player on the school’s team, I try and do well at every meet. I practice for hours. And so when it’s time for my swing, and I whiff the ball, I collapse. I know I can do better. I know I’m supposed to do better! So why even keep playing the game?
Perfect is the enemy of the good.
My mom used to tell me, “There’s no such thing as perfect.” I didn’t believe it when I was growing up. A+’s existed for a reason, right? You could get 100 out of 100. If you’re not 1st, you’re last. Perfect was on the table! And the fact that I wasn’t getting A+’s and 100’s and first place was because I wasn’t a good enough student or athlete or person. I was a failure.
But now, looking back, I know that my mom is right. You can get a great score on an assignment, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect - it just means that your teacher graded it well. There are all of these variables around you that you can’t control. Perfectionism gives you an illusion of control, but it doesn’t really exist. It just makes you think that you can be in charge of every outcome.
Stop tying your identity to your outcomes.
If your grades do not define you, and your perfectionism doesn’t define you, that that must mean your perceived failures don’t define you, either.
When you start to notice perfectionism creeping up and getting in the way of you completing assignments or focusing on the task at hand, take a step back. Figure out what your perfectionism is telling you. Is it 100% true? Is there something else you could tell yourself in the moment that feels more helpful?
Build up your appreciation of other things you do well, outside of school.
If you’re a high school or college student with perfectionism, your view has really narrowed, and you’re only focusing on your success.
But what if you shifted your focus to things that you enjoy that aren’t tied to any particular score, grade, or outcome. What if you could just focus on what you enjoy? What if you could just be in the moment? What if you cultivated a view of yourself where you just did what you liked to do, and didn’t care about it being perfect?
It’s doable. It really is! And we’d be happy to help you explore this more.
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Kelsey Torgerson Dunn, MSW, LCSW is the owner and founder of Compassionate Counseling St. Louis. She is writing a book with New Harbinger Publications on Anger Management for Anxious Teens, which is being published in February 2022.
Curious to learn more about how we provide anxiety therapy for teens and college students? Getting a little overwhelmed with the thought of a whole new year at school? We can help. Our therapists specialize in anxiety management for teens, college students, and children, age 4 on up. Schedule your free 15 minute phonecall on our website, at www.compassionatecounselingstl.com/consult.
Image credit: Jasmine Coro