The Downside of Perfectionism
Being told you’ve got it, that you’re unflappable, that you can always handle anything that comes your way means that when you can’t handle it, you feel like you have to hide that. There’s a downside to perfectionism - one that people don’t want to acknowledge.
Why is perfectionism a bad thing?
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Perfectionism is a lofty goal that keeps you from completing things or doing things that are good enough. If you have to be perfect, anything less than 110% is basically a failure, right?
When you have perfectionism, you’re constantly worried about not meeting your own expectations, AND you’re worried about what it says about you.
Perfectionism plus anxiety plus depression:
When we have perfectionism, we tend to be anxious. We have to meet our big goals for ourselves. If we don’t, we’ve failed. Then, that perceived failure makes us feel bad about ourselves - and that trips us right into a depression zone.
Perfectionism makes it so hard to let go of our overwhelming thoughts.
Our brains prevent us from fully engaging because they get so worried about what a poor grade, poor score, or poor performance means about us. Many times, we start to spiral. It usually looks something like:
If I get less than an A on this test, that means I have a bad grade
If I have a bad grade, that means I’m doing poorly in this class
I might even fail this class
And other classes
And I’ll barely graduate highschool
And I won’t get into the college I want
And I won’t be able to go to medical school
Which means I’ll never be a doctor
My life will be ruined
When we take a step back, we can see that the anxiety spiral is little bit out of control.
There’s no way, when we use logic, that getting less than an A on your test means that your life is ruined. Our anxious minds just tell us this because they want us to be prepared for the worst case scenario.
But when we get caught up in the worst case scenario, our mental energy is much more focused on that than on the test we’re in the middle of. We have much more difficulty concentrating on puzzling out the answers.
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
Perfectionism is trying to be helpful - it’s just failing at it. It traps us into thinking we need it, while also keeping us from fully succeeding.
When you have a high drive to succeed, perfectionism feels like it helps you turn in the best work possible. You know that you have to do your best. You criticize every small mistake you make, which means you won’t make those mistakes ever again - right?
Perfectionism probably does feel like it makes you a better student.
Perfectionism is doing a lot of other not so good things, as well, like getting in the way of you turning in assignments because they’re not good enough, keeping you from trying scary things because you don’t want to mess them up, or going out on a limb for something outside of your comfort zone.
How to get out of perfectionism and self-critical thinking?
Notice your thoughts
What are you telling yourself? Is your brain coming up with something overwhelming? Is it leading to big emotions? Is it impacting your behaviors? Notice how what you’re telling yourself is just a thought. So often, we assume what we tell ourself is 100% true, but it’s not.
Reframe
Once you take a step back and notice that you’re having perfectionistic thoughts, try coming up with something more helpful to tell yourself in the moment. Rather than, “If I get less than 100% I’m a bad student,” try something like, “I’m going to do my best, because that’s all I can do. I’d love to get 100%, but even if I don’t, I know I can handle it.”
Get counseling
Our top tip, always. If you have perfectionism and it’s getting in the way of school and life; if you feel way too anxious all the time; if you’re starting to hate yourself - get help
Counseling is the best tool to use for helping your perfectionism, anxiety, depression, and self-critical thinking.
It’s an outside perspective that helps you gently challenge and reframe your perfectionistic thoughts. In counseling, you’ll build tools to manage overwhelm, get through challenges, and move forward even when your brain is screaming at you that you’re not good enough.
You don’t have to deal with this on your own. Talk with someone!
And if you live in Missouri and you want to learn specifically how our therapists could help, reach out to us right here:
Kelsey Torgerson Dunn, MSW, LCSW is the owner of Compassionate Counseling St. Louis and the author of “When Anxiety Makes You Angry.” Compassionate Counseling St. Louis works with anxious kids, teens, and college students, from age 4 on up. We work with families on anxiety counseling in St. Louis and surrounding areas.
Header image provided by Anthony Tran via Unsplash