Setting Boundaries for Anxious Kids in St. Louis with St. Louis Anxiety Therapist Molly Shaffer, MA, LPC

Setting boundaries for children with anxiety and anxiety-driven anger is a crucial skill for you to build, as a parent - or as a child therapist.

Boundaries provide us with the structure and consistency we need to feel safe and supported. Children who struggle with anxiety often experience a sense of overwhelm and loss of control, which can lead to angry outbursts and defiant behaviors. By establishing clear boundaries, we help these children understand what to expect, which reduces anxiety and gives them the tools to manage their emotions more effectively.

Unfortunately, setting boundaries calmly and clearly isn’t always easy!

In today’s post, we’re excited to share insights from a recent lecture and interview with our senior St. Louis anxiety therapist, Molly Shaffer, MA, LPC, at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis. Molly specializes in helping children and teens manage anxiety and anxiety-driven anger through structured and compassionate therapy techniques.

The Importance of Boundary Setting

Establishing clear boundaries can be challenging, but it's essential for helping children learn to manage their emotions and behavior effectively.

Understanding the Oppositional and Defiant Child

Your child may appear oppositional or defiant, they may often refuse any planned activities, or get into anything that they see in front of them. As a parent, this can feel frustrating, overwhelming and confusing. St. Louis anxiety therapist, Molly reminds us that “This is why setting boundaries, though uncomfortable, is crucial for parents of anxious and angry kids”.

Why Boundary Setting is Crucial for Anxious and Angry Children

Your child may be experiencing behavioral struggles in the home or school setting, or a combination of both. Setting and holding a boundary helps your child work on the specific areas they are in which they are struggling. For children with anxiety and anger issues, this can be particularly important as it teaches them how to manage their emotions within a structured environment.

Molly shared with us that there are four key points on how to approach this with your kids.

1. Teaching Rule-Following and Respect for Boundaries

One of the primary goals in setting boundaries is to help the child learn to follow rules, directions, and expectations. It’s about holding and respecting a boundary that has been clearly communicated. When an outburst occurs—and it likely will—that is a great moment to help your child practice regulation skills. This is especially important for children who struggle with anxiety-driven anger.

2. Strategies for Practicing Setting Boundaries

Molly recommends two different strategies for setting and holding boundaries with your kids to try at home.

Using a Timer:
For children who struggle to engage in planned activities, use a five-minute timer. First, allocate five minutes for their chosen activity and five minutes for an activity that you choose, and then stick to this timing. Practice switching back and forth from your child’s chosen activity and your chosen activity. This could look like five minutes of coloring and five minutes of putting away toys. This really helps create a predictable structure that can reduce anxiety and resistance.

Choice-Based Boundaries:
When there is an opportunity for your child to make a choice, let them make that choice. This might look like choosing what kind of vegetable goes on the dinner plate or which book you will read to them before bedtime. This empowers the child with a sense of control while still maintaining the boundaries.

3. Managing Challenging Behaviors

Once you have set your boundaries and begin to hold them, your child may have an increase in verbal or physical aggression, or they may refuse to interact with you. Even though this may be uncomfortable for you, it’s important to remember that the boundaries are intended to help your child reduce the behaviors they are often showing at home or school when frustrated.

4. The Role of Frustration in Boundary Setting

Frustration is a natural part of boundary setting, especially for children with anxiety and anger issues. Holding your boundaries with your child gives you the opportunity to practice working through their frustration in a safe space. For instance, if your child refuses to stop playing with a toy or throws it, you may remove the toy and place it out of reach. Doing this might heighten their frustration, but it gives you the opportunity to address and manage their emotional response in real-time.

A Helpful Reminder

Molly says that “I often warn parents that if they hear their child expressing frustration during a session, that’s okay. We will work together to regulate these emotions and practice the skills I’m teaching. It’s important for parents to understand that boundary setting, while sometimes uncomfortable, is a critical part of helping their child manage anxiety and anger.”

Support for Parents is Available!

Seeing your child struggle can make you feel powerless and parents need support too. Compassionate Counseling St. Louis offers Therapeutic Parent Coaching to help you find and set helpful boundaries in your home to help your child thrive.

The Long-Term Benefits of Boundary Setting

As an expert St. Louis anxiety therapist, Molly wants to make sure that people know that while this can be tough to implement, it is so valuable long-term. Molly says that although it can be challenging, boundary setting is important to help anxious and angry children regulate their emotions. By consistently holding boundaries, you are helping children learn to follow expectations in many areas of their lives, such as at home and school. Over time, these skills will empower them to manage their emotions more effectively and reduce their anxiety-driven anger.

Want Some Help from St. Louis Anxiety Therapists?

It can be tough setting and holding boundaries with your child. You want them to be happy and healthy and sometimes kids get frustrated with boundaries. At Compassionate Counseling St. Louis, our parent coaches will work with you to figure out what is already working and where some boundaries could be helpful. The parent coaches at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis are skilled at helping parents set and hold boundaries at home to help their kids thrive.

In addition to parent coaching, Compassionate Counseling St. Louis provides individual counseling to kids, teens and college students experiencing anxiety and anxiety-driven anger. Schedule your free 15 minute consultation call today to learn more about the support that the highly trained anxiety specialists at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis can offer you and your family today!

Curious to learn more about anxiety and anxiety-driven anger? Reach out to us at hello@compassionatecounselingstl.com. As child anxiety experts, we love working with kids, teens, college students and parents to help manage their anxiety, stress, and anger. Compassionate Counseling St. Louis is located in Clayton, MO and works with families throughout Creve Couer, Ballwin, Town and Country, Brentwood, and Ladue. You can set up your first free consult on this very website, on our consultation page.