Anger and anxiety often go hand in hand.

Rarely if ever is a person just angry. There’s usually something else going on underneath it. We may look angry on the outside, but internally we feel stressed, overwhelmed, and anxious.

What else could be going on with your anger issues?

When you experience anger, your body gets ready for you to FIGHT and defend yourself. Your heart starts pumping blood to all of your muscles. Your breathing gets faster, or even feels like it stops. Your pupils dilate. Your muscles tense up. You feel ready to EXPLODE.

When you’re anxious? Your heart starts pumping blood to your muscles. Your breathing gets faster, or even feels like it stops. Your pupils dilate. Your muscles tense up. (Spoiler alert: they’re kind of the same!)

When our brain and body senses danger, it goes through a fight, flight, or freeze response. It’s easy to recognize that flight or freeze could be anxious. It’s harder to remember that fight is an equally valid reaction to an anxiety-inducing situation

The body’s reaction to anxiety and anger are so similar that sometimes, the wires get crossed. We might think we’re just angry, because our body is ready to fight. But actually, fight, flight, and freeze are all reactions that can be related to anxious overwhelm.

Fight: Your body feels ready to scream, punch, kick and yell. You maybe feel wronged. You are on the defensive.
Flight: You’re so overwhelmed, you want to run away from the situation.
Freeze: You’re too anxious to do anything, so you just feel frozen.

Anxiety-driven anger is a way to describe those reactions that look angry on the outside, but actually feel pretty anxious on the inside.

When Anxiety Makes You Angry: Self Help Book

It’s like looking at an iceberg. If you only pay attention to the tip of the iceberg, you’re missing all of the important information that’s underneath the surface. That’s why it’s so important for you to really stop, think, and analyze. Are you just angry? Or is something else going on, too?

Step 1: Identify and Empathize

When you’re getting overwhelmed, the first step is to identify what’s really going on emotionally. Ask yourself, am I angry about this? Am I nervous? What else is coming up for me? Whatever I’m feeling, I know it’s ok.

Step 2: Calm down.

You can’t problem solve if you’re totally overwhelmed. Can you take some deep breaths? Can you take a break? Can you build up your coping skills toolkit so you have lots of good options to relax in the moment when you’re starting to notice a fight/flight/freeze reaction coming up?

Step 3: Game Plan.

After you’ve calmed down, figure out how to solve the problem. Ask yourself, what’s something I can do next? And then, follow through on your game plan. Make changes. Make tweaks. Try it out, and then try something else out next time.

Information for counselors:

If you notice that your client seems angry all the time, ask yourself if there may be something else going on, too, just underneath the surface. Do you see this anger in certain situations or at certain times? It may seem like they are only getting angry in particular situations, but there may be a deeper reason to their upset response.

Anxiety can be tricky, and if you’re not digging under the surface, you might be working on fixing the behaviors, but you’re never addressing the underlying cause.

Kelsey Torgerson Dunn, MSW, LCSW is the owner of Compassionate Counseling St. Louis and author of When Anxiety Makes You Angry: CBT Anger Management Skills for Teens. Get on the waitlist (and get a free download of those three steps!) by signing up fo the newsletter.

Curious to learn more? Is your anxiety masking as anger? Are you an angry teen or college student who actually, um, isn’t that angry? Let us know! Our therapists specialize in anxiety and anger management for kids, teens, and college students. We work with people throughout the St. Louis region. Schedule a free phone screening on our website, at www.compassionatecounselingstl.com/consult