How can you prepare for school this year?

It’s hard to plan for anything these days and you might notice feelings of anxiety or overwhelm more often than you have before. With school back in session, your kids are likely feeling this too. School looks very different from years past, so the typical anxieties you might be used to managing have likely changed as well.

Give yourself time to adjust.

We all get used to certain routines and schedules and for a lot of families, going back to school in the fall is a part of a schedule that everyone is familiar with. This year though, you might be adjusting to virtual learning, shorter class days or weeks, smaller class sizes, etc., and those changes can bring a lot of anxiety.

Nobody enjoys having a panic attack…

But they're particularly awful when they happen at school. On top of experiencing all of those physical symptoms - shortness of breath, tense muscles, pounding heart - you're worried about how other people will respond to you. 

Winter Break Tip #4 - Identify and Empathize

How many of us take the time to really figure out how we're feeling from moment to moment? It can be so easy to gloss over what we're feeling, and then, before we know it, an emotion has built and built until we feel like we're going to explode.

Our first step to helping our kids identify their emotions? You want to help them clue in to what you're noticing on the outside, and what they might be feeling on the inside. Try "You seem stressed," or "I'm wondering if you feel angry." Give them space to correct you. Help them build up their emotional language far beyond "I feel good/bad/fine."

There’s no such thing as a bad emotion. And, honestly, there’s no such thing as a good emotion. Emotions just are, and all emotions are healthy and helpful. We just need to figure out what to do about them.

It’s okay to feel worried and anxious.

Our therapists at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis have a lot of experience working with anxious kids, teens and college students and we wanted to take the time to really showcase the work that we do! Our interview series is a great way to get to know other therapists in the area but we also want you to get to know the therapists here at our office too! Each of our therapists tailor their approach to your child so you get the most out of your sessions and your kid feels supported the whole time.

This week, we spoke to Allegra Grawer on how her experience, what it’s like working at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis and when it might be a good idea to get therapy for anxiety. We’re so lucky to have her at our office!

Teenagers do a really good job when it comes to keeping parents out of the loop.

Part of it is just how teens are designed to be. They’re meant to be maturing on their own, increasing their independence, and building up their self-reliance. You want your teen to be able to start solving problems on their own. You need your teen to be able to figure out action steps to reach their goals.

But wanting your teen to grow in independence doesn’t mean you never want to know what’s going on.

You want your teen to come to you for support, too. You want to help them with their problems. You want to know when they need help.

Teens, especially teenagers with anxiety, can feel too overwhelmed to reach out for support.

So it’s crucial for you as the parent to provide opportunities for them to check in, and to be on the lookout for hidden signs of anxiety.

If you’re a perfectionist, college is probably going to throw you for a loop.

Your standards of success will look very different when you’re in a brand new environment, and we want you to be prepared. We interviewed several college prep counselors at local, St. Louis area high schools, to find out the best ways you can help your teen prepare. These counselors have worked directly with students and have first hand experience in what it takes to get them ready for this major transition in their life. We are so excited to be able to bring their expertise to you, in hopes that we can all work together to help your teen thrive when they get to campus!

Today, we continue with Trisha Hasbrouch, Director of College Advising at St. Joseph’s Academy. She breaks down the difference between personal success and perfection. We are so happy to feature her on today’s blog!

We see it coming every year. Our phones ring off the hook when spring time is on the horizon, as parents wonder how to prepare their anxious teen for college. Heading off to school can be an exciting time! But all of those new responsibilities, freedom, and big changes can also be overwhelming. We want to make sure that your teen is as prepared as possible!

Why is it important to start getting your teen ready for college now?

You might be thinking that you have plenty of time to ensure your teen is prepared for college. It’s only March! Your teen isn’t set to be on campus until mid August. What’s the rush?

Well, if you have an anxious teen, you know that preparing for something sooner rather than later is always a good idea. Having proper support in place early on, will make the transition for your teen seem more doable and approachable. Not to mention, it will also help lessen the overwhelm when they have an idea of what to expect and the change isn’t happening all at one time.

It’s winter in St. Louis and, as happens every year, we’re getting more and more calls from anxious teens and college students concerned that they might have depression. 

Right off the bat, it’s important to know that we can’t diagnose depression just based on a few concerns or a phonecall. But it’s important to know that depression is on the rise for kids and teens, and depression is a serious mental illness. And, we can figure out some good next steps depending on what you’re noticing (which is why we schedule free 15-minute phone screenings if you’re wondering whether or not counseling is a good next step for you). 

Why do anxiety and depression go hand-in-hand?

Anxiety and depression can go hand in hand for many teens and college students. For some, one seems more apparent than the other and is more of the primary concern. For others, both seem to be equally impacting what’s going on.

We all know mental health and physical health go hand in hand.

They’re totally linked together. And on the mental health side, I see a wide range of how diet and eating can interact with child, adolescent, and young adult anxiety and anger management. Some kids come in with picky eating that’s anxiety driven. Some teens I work with find that controlling their food feels like a way to control their perfectionism - and, of course, it’s an unhealthy coping tool.

That’s why I’m so excited to have interviewed Shannon, a nutrition counselor here in St. Louis.

Shannon works with teens and adults to help them build healthier approaches to eating and diet and body image. She understands that anxiety and eating go hand in hand (which is why we recommend teens and adults with disordered eating meet with a nutritionist and a therapist at the same time!) And I love how passionate she is about teaching people how to make real, healthy choices in their lives.

Learn more about Shannon below!

What ages do you work with?

I work with adolescents to adults. I am very passionate about helping late adolescence/teenagers to feel good about their body and to teach them all the wisdom that it holds. Around 10 years old, there can be more questioning about body, even though this can happen earlier. It’s so important to set the stage early, on what it means to take care of your body in a way that isn’t diet language (ie don’t eat sugar, you shouldn’t have carbs, no junk food) and to teach kids to listen to their body when its hungry, when its full, when it doesn’t feel well after eating a certain food or amount of food. All of it is data that their body is giving them.

It is also helping the child feel good about their body, especially if they are in a larger body. We come in all shapes and sizes, even though we are told the only acceptable size is thin. With society and maybe the messages at home, a child in a larger body may feel that their body is not okay and is “wrong.” It is bringing it back to educating about the body during adolescence and the pubescent cycle and honoring their body by taking good care of it, instead of punishing it for what it must naturally do.

Deciding on your college and figuring out how to apply in the first place can be STRESSFUL.

It causes a bunch of anxiety in the many, many highschoolers and college-aged students I work with. And while I’ve written on How to Prepare Your Anxious Highschooler for College and Parenting Your Anxious College Student, sometimes you need really specific information and to do lists from someone who does more than just the emotional/stress management side of college. That’s where Joann comes in!

I’m so excited to share our interview below! Joann also has one book out and another on the way, helping to walk parents and teens through the whole college application process (links below).

Joann: I provide college counseling for teens who are trying to navigate the college admissions process. 

I work with helping them identify colleges and/or majors that may be a potential fit, brainstorming the essay, creating an activity list/resume, completing the Common App, organizational skills, help with scholarships, interviewing, talking about their fears and concerns, answering questions, and whatever else comes with the college process. 

Kelsey: Could you talk a little about your approach and how you modify it when working with teens who have anxiety/perfectionism/stress/anger management?

Joann: The interesting thing about what I do is that nearly everyone has stress about the college process, not just those with diagnoses.  It might be the idea of leaving home and the fear it invokes or it might be just being anxious about getting it all done and making a good decision.  For people who have anxiety or perfectionism issues, though, college counseling can be especially helpful because we can separate fact from fiction and ‘urban legend’. Knowledge is powerful and knowing when to ask for help is a sign of intelligence!  Being able to ask questions freely is a great help to reducing students’ stress. For the anxious student, breaking down the steps into manageable baby steps has proven very stress-relieving as well! Being able to talk in a safe environment away from the school day where students can voice their opinions, fears, and concerns reduces stress and anxiety.  They are in a place where they can be their true selves.  Meeting regularly can help keep the student on track and not get off-course further reducing stress.

“Am I making my child’s anxiety worse?”

“I always was anxious as a kid, and so I’m worried my child gets it from me.”

“I have anxiety, too, so I know it’s my fault.”

Parents often call me with these questions and comments. As a parent, it can be hard when you see your child struggling with the exact same issues that you had. You want to help them, and you also feel a little bit…guilty. Maybe it’s your fault they’re this way.

But it’s really not your fault

And feeling guilty, even if it makes sense, doesn’t make things easier. So let’s take a step back and figure out what is leading to your child’s anxiety in the first place.

Starting next week, we’ll begin our 8 week series on anxiety and parenting - and there’s a lot that we’ll be digging into:

1. The Building Blocks of Anxiety

2. Managing Your Own Anxiety as a Parent

3. Parenting Anxious Pre-Schoolers and Elementary Schoolers

4. Anxiety and Parenting a Child with Anger Management Issues (spoiler: it’s probably anxiety related as well!)

5. Perfectionism and Parenting Your Highschooler

6. Preparing Your Highschooler for College

7. Out of the Nest: How to Parent Your Anxiety-Driven College Student

8. Moving Forward and Next Steps

That’s a lot of info… so why am I covering all of this?

Stomach aches and headaches and anxiety in kids:

When does anxiety in children become a medical concern?

You may notice that your child is a worrier. When you schedule a babysitter, your kid has prepared a list of interview questions to ask the sitter before being ok with it. When you're 5 minutes late to picking them up, they're in tears. They need to walk through any potential problems and come up with five solutions whenever faced with a new situation. You're happy to help! But when is it too much?

Anxiety is a concern when it gets in the way of "typical" functioning.

While some kids are more prone to worries than others, anxiety becomes a concern when it impacts their day-to-day functioning. So, instead of being in tears that you're five minutes late, they've had a huge blow-up and are waiting for you in the principal's office. Or, walking in to school on the first day, they're paralyzed and can't move from your side. They have trouble maintaining friendships. They consistently experience stomachaches and headaches, due to their ongoing stress.

Recently, a journalist had reached out to therapists asking them for their top tips on how to banish toxic thoughts.

She had asked, for 2019, the top thoughts to banish and never think of again.

The problem? Banishing thoughts DOESN’T WORK!

From an acceptance and commitment therapy perspective, it’s actually a lot more useful to focus on allowing these thoughts to happen rather than banishing them.

You can let them pass you by, and come up with something that may feel more helpful, but telling a thought to STOP is like getting into a finger trap. The more and more you pull away, the tighter and tighter the thought holds on. 

When you fight a thought, you’re giving that thought so much more power than it actually has.

Generalized anxiety disorder is the diagnostic name for kids, teens, and adults who meet the criteria. Oftentimes people will say they have anxiety, or general anxiety, without quite meaning that they meet all of the criteria. You can find a screening tool* for kids and for adults put together by the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (*which gives you information, but you will want to meet with a counselor, social worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist for a true screening). 

What makes anxiety a disorder?

Generally speaking, an anxiety disorder gets in the way of your everyday life, and is harder to manage. It comes up in multiple environments, so home and school, or work and home. 

Physical symptoms of anxiety - your body clues:

Before opening my private practice...

I worked in schools for a few years, and would often get paired with kids referred for anger management. They'd lose their temper, would knock over desks or run out of the room, and teachers were always at their wit's end.

Of course when that kid got called down to my office, they thought they were in trouble.

It took a few sessions for them to start realizing that I was on their side. And once they became more comfortable, they were willing to start opening up about all the different emotions they experienced. We'd build up relaxation strategies for these different strong feelings, and oftentimes just being told that they weren't the only kid like this helped them to feel better and more in control. One challenge, though, was getting parents and teachers on board to help them see and focus on the positive changes, rather than just the negative behaviors still occurring…