Why Won't My Teen Talk To Me?
Teenagers do a really good job when it comes to keeping parents out of the loop.
Part of it is just how teens are designed to be. They’re meant to be maturing on their own, increasing their independence, and building up their self-reliance. You want your teen to be able to start solving problems on their own. You need your teen to be able to figure out action steps to reach their goals.
But wanting your teen to grow in independence doesn’t mean you never want to know what’s going on.
You want your teen to come to you for support, too. You want to help them with their problems. You want to know when they need help.
Teens, especially teenagers with anxiety, can feel too overwhelmed to reach out for support, or to even think about teen counseling.
So it’s crucial for you as the parent to provide opportunities for them to check in, and to be on the lookout for hidden signs of anxiety.
We recommend parents follow our Three Steps for Problem Solving:
Step 1: Identify and Empathize
Help your teen identify what you’re feeling, and make sure they’re building an awareness of their emotions, too. It can be tough when you’re feeling overwhelmed, but it’s even tougher if you’re not sure what you’re feeling or what’s leading to it.
You definitely don’t want to come across as calling out your teen - you want to say something more like, “It seems like you’re pretty angry about your friend, but maybe sad, too. Can you tell me what’s going on?” or “I’ve noticed that you’ve been in your room a lot more lately. I usually do that when I’m feeling really stressed out. Is that happening for you?” Invite feedback - it’s ok if you’re wrong!
Step 2: Calm Down
Once your teen has identified how they’re feeling, they need to be calm in order to solve the problem. No teen wants to be told by their parent, “Calm down!” (And no parent wants to be told “Calm down” either, right?)
Instead, encourage your teen to do something to help them self-regulate. Suggest going on a walk, or let them go on a drive on their own. Ask your teen if they want to go to a yoga class with you, or allow them the space to head to their room to listen to some music.
If you’re letting them independently calm down, awesome! Just make sure you let them know you’ll be checking in once they’re ready, and that you love and support them. You might get an eye roll, but I guarantee that the message still needs to be heard.
Step 3: Game Plan
Figure out how to solve the problem. Strike that balance of letting your teen problem solve on their own while offering good suggestions. Say you’re happy to help them walk through options if they’d like. Share times that you’ve experienced similar problems in the past, and what you’ve done about it, good or bad.
Even if your teen isn’t talking to you, let them know that you’re always happy to help out. When you’re in this game plan stage, you don’t want to lecture - you just want to share.
Do we need family therapy?
Sometimes, when communication patterns break down, you need a therapist who can work with the whole family dynamic. That’s actually why we’re featuring interviews from St. Louis family therapists later this month. A family therapist will jump in and look at what’s going on, and how everyone needs to change. We love connecting families to family therapists, even if things feel pretty ok overall. It’s great to get an outside perspective with really clear action steps.
Another option is to bring your teen in for individual therapy.
if you feel like it’s more an issue for their individual communication. We can give you tips as a parent, too, to best set up conversations for success - but the emphasis is on your teen as an individual.
Even when your teen isn’t talking to you, you can still help.
You can be aware of their hidden signs of anxiety and let them know you’re noticing that something doesn’t seem right. You can offer to schedule a session with a therapist. You can let them know you love them no matter what. You can understand that their anxiety or overwhelm may be what’s getting in the way of communicating. Instead of thinking it’s their fault or your fault, what if it’s no-one’s fault?
You can be there, even when they’re not reaching out.
And we can help you support your teen, too.
Kelsey Torgerson Dunn, MSW, LCSW is the owner and founder of Compassionate Counseling St. Louis. She is writing a book with New Harbinger Publications on Anger Management for Anxious Teens, for February 2022.
Curious to learn more about how we provide anxiety therapy for teens? Feeling like you’re out of the loop with your untalkative teen? We can help. Our therapists specialize in anxiety management for teens, college students, and children, age 4 on up. Schedule your free 15 minute phonecall on our website, at www.compassionatecounselingstl.com/consult.
Image credit: Brad Neathery